still feeling a little blah

I'm feeling a little better today but still a little sad. I keep having these random fleeting thoughts that a baby might not ever grow inside of me. I try to push them away as soon as they get in, but it only takes a split second for me to almost get teary-eyed. Maybe it's because I'm in my period that I'm extra-sad right now. Or maybe I just need to let it all out and have myself a good snot-dripping, blurry-eyed, can't-catch-my-breath-at-the-end CRY, ya know? Not because I'm sad that our first attempt at a baby failed, but because sometimes you JUST NEED TO CRY. I can't remember the last time I've had a good cry like that. Probably while reading a book. LOL

I need to stop procrastinating, though. I have a TON of big and little projects that I'm working on and today is my last full day off for a while. One of the bigger projects (which includes a few little miniature projects) really should be done before we get pregnant. That project is my website, and the mini-projects are getting the wording right for each page, making some sample crafts to display on it, etc. As soon as I get off here and finish my tiny lunch then I will start up on that. Now if I can just find where I put my motivation... Oh yes, there it is... buried under my to-do list. :)

early frustrations with the conceiving process

Today I am on to a new cycle. Even though in this past cycle, hubby and I weren't "officially" trying for a baby yet (we originally planned to start next month), I can't help but feel a little sad that I'm not pregnant now. I am VERY early in this whole process, having only gone through one cycle, and if it was just that fact in a vaccuum then I would be OK. But I have a good friend at church who is expecting her second baby and they will be 11 months apart. My sister is expecting a baby and is due this summer. I wanted to be pregnant with her so we could share stories and weight gains and things like that. Mom tells me that this is going to be my sister's last baby, so that means that my YOUNGER sister's family will be complete before I even start mine. It makes me just want to sit and cry. Deep down I know it's a good thing that we're not pregnant right now because we would have had a bit of a hard time money-wise, but this extra month or two will help us out tremendously.

But I'm still sad. It is sortof hitting me that I might not be a mom in 2006 even. I know that statistically there is only a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant in any one cycle, but I really wanted to be part of that minority THIS time. I didn't want to have to try month after month after month. I even tested this morning, literally seconds before my period came. I ordered a few more tests online so I'd have them for next cycle, but I am not even going to THINK about looking at them this time until 13 days past ovulation. I am so bummed right now. Good thing I have a bunch of errands and things to do to keep my mind off of it a little.

is it january yet?

We had to take our cats to the vet yesterday, just for their routine annual shots. This was a new vet that they hadn't been to... and with the shots they had to do a "pre-vaccination" evaluation (basically a physical). Well I didn't know that they would be taking their temperature for that! Neither cat had had their temp taken before. Tuxedo allowed them to do it with very little complaining, but Rainy threw a FIT. Then after that she hid under the little chair for the rest of the time and would NOT be put back up on the table for ANYTHING. To give her the shots, we had her go into her carrier (which she did with no trouble) and then the vet and his technician just took the whole carrier to the back to give her the shots. They came back only moments later and said she did good and that they just gave her the shots through the carrier. And of course, once they were home and back in familiar surroundings, both cats were happy and purring like they hadn't been on a little road trip at all.

As for asking if it's January, I finally did ovulate around Sunday, so I'm now in my "official" first two week wait. Back on the 9th and for a couple of days after that, every time hubby and I were alone together I would ask him "What if I get pregnant???" and he would smile and say "Then we'll have a baby" pretty calmly. But I didn't want to obsess over the whole thing so after a few days I stopped talking about it so much. Hubby hasn't brought it up very much either. He gets to preach a little sermon on Sunday night the 1st, and I don't want to spring the knowlege of a pregnancy on him before then and make him too nervous for his speech, so I'm going to TRY to hold off testing until the 2nd. But I'm only 3 DPO (days past ovulation) right now, and the 2nd seems like a long way away... so we'll have to see how I feel late next week. :P I do already have a small stash of pregnancy tests ready and waiting in my bathroom cabinet... I bought them when I bought my basal thermometer to make my order total high enough to have free shipping. LOL.

I'm not really expecting to get pregnant right away with the first cycle trying since statistically there is only a 15-20% chance, but if two lines DO show up then it would be a very nice surprise. :)

new additions, new website, new life plan

Well, on Monday we got two new additions to our house that I am so happy about... a washer and dryer. LOL. After they were delivered and set up, I gave the washer a hug, and the dryer a hug, and then hubby a hug. I'm so glad I don't have to pack it all up and leave the house to do my laundry now. The cats did NOT like the new appliances at ALL, but they are getting used to them now.

I am going to have a new website soon! I hope to have it up around the first of the year. I'm trying to work on it a little each day and I do feel that I'm making progress on it, even though I don't have anything tangible to show for it. This web design thing is all new to me, not to mention DNS and domain name registration and all that. But I am gradually getting the hang of it.

Now as for our new life plan, hubby and I weren't going to try to have children until next month, but my cycles have been long and wacky, so on Saturday morning we sortof decided to go ahead and start trying right then. I thought I would ovulate that day based on my fertility signs, but that still hasn't happened yet. Day 34 today. Still waiting for my 2 week wait.