never thought this would happen

Once again, my blog has been neglected.

Two days after my last post, I got a positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy passed uneventfully for its first half. We discovered a marginal placenta previa at my 20-week ultrasound, and planned on checking it again in six to eight weeks.

That next check never happened.

My membranes ruptured at 23 weeks, and I was placed immediately on hospital bedrest. They were going to keep me pregnant as long as possible, with the ideal goal being 35 weeks, at which point they would induce. But at 25 weeks and 5 days, I went into unstoppable labor and my sweet baby Jonathan Gabriel was born by emergency c-section.

He lived 27 days.

I pumped during his time in the NICU, and he was able to take some of my milk, but then got an infection and had to stop all oral feeds. The effects of the infection were just too much for his little body to handle, and he lost his fight for life on Christmas Eve of 2011. We were heartbroken.

We are back into a new normal now. We will never stop grieving in our hearts, but will continue walking with God and thereby make it through the days, weeks, months and years to come. We will welcome another child if God chooses to bless us that way, but not now. Not this soon. Even if Jonathan had lived, we would not feel that our family was complete at only three children.

Tim is still at Schwan's. His route has been adjusted a few times and he is now only working nine days out of every two weeks instead of ten. We are happy that he now has every Saturday off. His sales are increasing, but very, very slowly. I've been able to grab a few more transcription contracts to help out, and plan on going back to work this week.

I'm also continuing to declutter. I had hoped to get it done before Jonathan got here, but with the surprise hospital bedrest, that didn't happen. But now that I'm not making daily trips up to the NICU, I have a little more time, so I'm trying to do a little bit every day.

I'm also going to declutter my body, too. For the first time in nearly six years, I'm neither pregnant nor nursing. It's hard to remember how to eat for one. A few people have recommended My Fitness Pal online to me, and I like it so far. My six-week follow-up appointment is tomorrow, and I'm going to ask the doctor then about exercise, since I've never had a surgical birth before. I have been feeling fine, though, so I should be good to go.

I'm also going to ask him if there was a reason for my water breaking so early, and if I can do anything in the future to try to reduce my risk of that happening, and what signs I can watch for to see if it would be more likely to happen again. I will no longer have a blissfully innocent pregnancy. And unlike early miscarriages, I won't even have a "safe week" that I can get to where I can feel confident that the rest of the 40 weeks will happen.

They might not.

But I love children and love being pregnant and if we are blessed with another pregnancy, I will be thankful for every day, every hour, that we have with that baby. Every moment is a gift.

baby has arrived and it's a....

boy!

I have a son now. Benjamin Luke was born at home on Saturday, October 10th at 2:08 a.m. He weighed 8 lbs 12 oz and was 22 inches long... with a 14.25" head! The birth was amazing and I'm so glad we chose to have him at home.

Lydia loves him so far and always wants to help me with him. She was even going to put him in his car seat for me the other day. So far, she doesn't do a lot of talking to him, but she does like to stand there and watch him and touch his hands and feet. Here she is holding him for the first time, when he was one day old.


And here's Benjamin at 7 days old, smiling in his sleep.


Tim's new job is going fine. He's still in training and is enjoying himself. He came home the other day with a HUGE box of uniforms. I am excited about that, because it means that I won't have to wash his work clothes every day like I did back when he was working at places where he only had 2 or so uniforms instead of 5-6.

My work is going fine as well. I got on with the third new transcription company but then had to turn around and request a leave of absence right away. I had Benjamin between the time I sent in my paperwork and when they wanted me to start work, and with the grandmas coming over and staying and just new-baby chaos in general, combined with the schedule they wanted me to work, adding in a few other things that I need to do before the end of the month... there was just no way I could do that transcription right now. I emailed them and asked if I could come back in January instead and they said that would be fine.

Tim's mom came down for a week before the baby was here and stayed for a few days afterwards, then the same day she left, my mom was able to come down and stay for a few days as well. Everyone is gone now, though, so when Tim goes back to work tomorrow, I will need to learn a new normal. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

I have a series of chiropractor appointments for the next few weeks, and also need to find some time to make our Halloween costumes. The four of us are dressing up as a theme this year, and I am so excited to see how it will come out.

a toddler's talent and sense of time

In the past, whenever Lydia gets a pen and paper, she just makes random circles, lines and scribbles. Even her name, when I write it out first, she'll make a few random scribbles and say, "that says Lydia." But yesterday, my mother in law gave her a notepad at church, and I noticed that Lydia was putting eyes and a mouth inside the circle, then adding legs and arms. :) So this morning, I asked her to draw a happy face, and she did. Then I asked for arms and legs, and she did that too. I love it. :)



And she is starting to develop a sense of time. Anything in the past happened "this morning" and anything in the future will happen "tonight." She uses these terms even if the events referred to are several days in the past or future. It is really so cute to see how her mind processes things as she gets older.

The pregnancy is still going. This is the longest that I've been pregnant now. I am due today, but there's absolutely nothing going on. I know that God is putting the finishing touches on my baking baby, though, and it will be born when the time is right. But I'm still hoping that the right time comes sometime this week. Mother in law came down on Saturday and is going to stay for about two weeks, to help me out postpartum. Hopefully most of these two weeks WILL be postpartum instead of pregnant, although I appreciate the help prepartum as well. :)

finding the potty contents

Sometimes when I change Lydia's #2 diapers, the wiping hurts her a little, and she cries and fights me. But of course if I leave anything on there, it'll be hurting even MORE later, so I just explain to her that I need to clean it all, and that if she could put her poop straight into the potty, then there wouldn't be so much wiping. Other times, I am ready to put a new diaper on and she starts crying saying that she needs to go potty (which I usually am doubtful of since her previous diaper was already full). But I let her sit on the potty and tell me when she's done, and I'll go and give her some "privacy." She usually tells me she's done after just a minute or so, and has had no results in the potty at all, but still goes ahead and wipes and flushes.

But this morning, I left her sitting on her potty while I put a load of diapers in the dryer. A minute later, she ran into the kitchen (our laundry nook is just off the kitchen) and I asked her if she was done yet. She said no and ran back to the bathroom. Then after another minute, she calls to me and said that she "found" some peepee. (I didn't know it was lost, lol.) I said, "You did? Let me see," and started towards the bathroom. But I should have told her that I was going to COME and see. She didn't realize that I was coming, because when I turned the corner to go down the hallway, she had already come out of the bathroom and down the hallway... carrying her half-full potty, to bring it to me so I could see. LOL. I'm amazed that she didn't spill any of it. So I took it back into the bathroom and took care of it and had her wipe and stuff, and gave her a hi-five.

Then I put a diaper back on her. LOL. All of these "random successes" are just that, random, and while this may be the start of something big, I'm not ready to go 100% to underwear yet, especially with the new baby coming any day now which may likely cause her to regress. Or who knows, she may see the diapers on the tiny baby and realize that she is SO much bigger than the baby and can do so much more, including going in the potty, and decide to ditch the diapers herself. But I'm not holding my breath for that, either.

But, yes, this baby is still baking. I'm not due until Monday, but if this pregnancy goes just like Lydia's did, then I'll have this baby tomorrow. But I'm trying to hold out until Friday. Either way, I'm doing fine. I had some swelling in my feet, but it was more concerning to me than to my care provider. My blood pressure is still hovering in the high 70s/low 80s, and I gained 3 lbs since last week. She thinks that it's going to be an 8-lb baby. I'm still having no regular contractions, and baby is still slightly posterior, so I'm working on getting him/her to float around to a better birthing position. But I am remembering Lydia's labor and am pretty sure I'll be able to recognize it in time to get everyone called in time.

Hubby called Schwan's on Thursday to get an update, and they were still waiting on his paperwork. But then Friday morning it finished coming through, so he started on Monday. They have an extensive 4-week training period that is divided up with daily tasks, but his first week has already had to be rearranged because their computers have been down, so he hasn't been able to do those training modules yet. Hopefully they're up so he can do them today. Tomorrow he goes in for an overnight, and then is off for the weekend, then the rest of his training is normal 5-day weeks, about 9 to 9.

a lot of progress

The Schwan's ride-along went very well, and they called Tim the next day to have him come in this past Thursday to "start the hiring process." Thursday and Friday he filled out paperwork for DMV background checks, took a drug test, went to a physical therapist so they could test him to see if he could physically perform the essential functions of the job, etc. They offered him the position, pending his paperwork coming back fine (waiting on the DMV and drug test). Depending on when it gets processed, he'll either start on Monday or on 10/5. I am so excited and thankful.

And my transcription is going fine as well. I did hear from the training department a week ago on Monday, and had a conference call orientation w/ them on Wednesday. Turned out that I needed only IE7 on my computer instead of IE8, b/c their software doesn't work at all w/ IE8. To downgrade, I had to reset my computer back to its factory settings. That took a couple of days, but everything is back to normal now and I've been able to start work with them (we'll call them ST). After six weeks, they are going to review my work and possibly take off the restrictions, so I may be able to do some longer files. I am also continuing with the other company, MWP, that I started with at the end of August. They communicate with me via YIM, and a few days ago, one of the "head" people there was asking how I was feeling and how much longer I had left and how long I'd need to take off afterwards. I told her, and she said that I was doing very well at the job and that when I came back from maternity leave, I might be able to become a team leader. :) I also did test w/ the last company, we'll call them TP, on Tuesday evening. The "invitation to test" email said that they'd let the testers know in a week how they did, and that week is up tomorrow. That company does both medical and general transcription, and the test had both aspects to it. I feel like I did well on it, but haven't heard anything from them yet.

Lydia's potty training had an "event" today. Tim was sitting in the bathroom with her, patiently, and she had some #1 in the potty. He put her in a Pullup. Then later, her Pullup was wet (but she also still went some in the potty, too). He put a new Pullup on, and that one got wet as well, so he put her back in a diaper after that. At bedtime when I was changing her, she asked for underwear. I politely declined her request since apparently she's still not ready. I explained that she could have underwear when she could go in the potty within a few seconds of sitting on it instead of the "hours" that it takes her now. She didn't argue or complain. And since I'm due in under 2 weeks now, the likelihood of having two in diapers is up to nearly 100%.

Speaking of which, WOW, I am due in under two weeks! I have random contractions now and then, but nothing regular. I'll have two that are 10 minutes apart, then another one a few hours later, then nothing until the next day where I'll have a tiny batch of them that are about 7-9 minutes apart, then a few more hours of nothing, etc. I'm ready for this baby to come, but just hope that I can recognize real labor when it happens. With Lydia, my real contractions even felt different than the BH contractions. But with this baby, some of the "fake" contractions feel JUST like real ones. I need to call some people when labor starts, but it just seems like if I wait too long to be sure that it's "started" then it'll be too late in the game to call people. :p

A couple of my friends hosted a tea party for me on Sunday afternoon. It was a time to just hang out w/ a few friends and drink tea and eat chocolate and fruit, and it was great to share those couple of hours with everyone. We played a couple of games: draw-the-baby-on-the-paper-plate-on-your-head, and cut-off-a-piece-of-string-that-will-fit-around-the-mama-belly. Everyone overestimated my belly, even me. Then at the end of the shower, I got a very unexpected blessing. If I wasn't so in shock at the time, I probably would have started bawling right then. In the past, when I have been feeling down about things, people would tell me about their unexpected BIG blessings that had happened to them, and I'd be happy for them, but at the same time, "know" that HUGE stuff just never happened to me and probably wouldn't happen. But now it has. And I'm sitting here bawling now, thinking about it. God knew not only what I needed, but when I needed it. To Him be the glory.

a little progress

Well, it turns out that the Pizza Hut egg was a dud. But no worries, b/c several paths seem to be opening for us. Hubby has a ride-along with Schwan's on Tuesday to see what a normal day like that would be, then afterwards he can call the company and let them know if he wants to move forward w/ the application process. Monday, he calls the manager of On the Border to schedule a third interview with them. Wednesday night, he goes up to UPS for about an hour and a half to get a feel for what that would be, and would go forward w/ the application process after that.

Meanwhile, I've heard back from two more transcription companies. One of them has all my paperwork, and I'm just waiting to hear back from the training department, should be Monday. And another company contacted me yesterday, inviting me to test w/ them. That test isn't due until Wednesday, so depending what I hear on Monday from the other company, I will do my tests on Monday night.

Pregnancy is moving right along. I'm nearly 37 weeks now, and not nearly as "done" with my to-do list as I'd liked to have been by this point. I think I need to RE-do it again, b/c as time keeps marching on, the items that I feel "have" to be done before the baby comes get fewer, and more and more items can just be pushed back a little bit. But my appointments are going OK. My blood pressure is rising a little bit, so I'm hoping that stays low enough through the rest of the time.

Lydia asked to go potty tonight, while at someone else's house, so I took her into the bathroom and took off her dry diaper (that she had been wearing for about 60-75 minutes), and sat her on the potty... where she proceeded to do nothing. :p After a minute or so she said she was done, so I put her diaper back on. Who knows, she may yet train herself after all, and my year of worry will have been for nothing.

sigh

I wasn't really sure what to title this entry. I thought about "not feeling positive anymore." But I am positive about one thing... stress is eating me up. I've now lost my appetite and am just forcing myself to eat. I still haven't made any additional progress at all on my pre-baby to-do list. And that stuff NEEDS to be done, b/c I'm not a kangaroo who can just put her baby's development on pause until times are better.

And I'm still waiting for times to be better. It's been two weeks since Tim put all his eggs in the Pizza Hut basket, and that egg has not hatched yet. His former boss is under the impression that Tim quit without notice, but when Tim was working cleaning pools, his hours early on were such that he couldn't work at PH as well, and he told PH that he'd need to take some time off until things stabilized. Then when things DID stabilize in the pool business, he called PH to get back on the schedule, and was told that the position was filled.

He is going to meet w/ his former manager on Monday at 2:00 to discuss things. That store is the one that has a current opening. And if it doesn't work out, then the next opening at a different store wouldn't be until mid-September. I am hopeful, but VERY cautiously so, that the face-to-face meeting will clear up any misunderstandings and Tim will be able to work there again.

But even with Pizza Hut, even at the assistant manager level, it will not quite meet our monthly needs. And there have been no leads or searches or anything for a morning/early afternoon job for Tim.

Meanwhile, I've been applying to various transcription companies. The (general, not medical) transcription that I've been doing for over two years is with a company that has peaks and valleys, and even in the peaks, it only yields me $150/month. The valleys yield $0/month. So I'm looking for something that's a little more consistent over time. So far, I've found one that will bring in about $12/day. I am waiting to test and waiting on test results for a couple of other companies, and late next week (depending on how/when I hear from my pendings) I have another several that I can apply to.

And I have decided NOT to try to potty train Lydia. I've finished reading all my books, and decided that she's not ready. There are four areas of "readiness" and she's ready in three of them, but WAY behind in the physical area, so I'm waiting. I'm at the point where I'm going to ask about it at her 3-year visit, unless she "magically" trains herself before then.

eleven weeks left

Or 9, or 13. I'm thinking that it'll be closer to 9 1/2 or 10 or so. I am moving right along and making good progress on my to-do list. I had a bunch of stuff lined up for today and most of it is done. I started early today and visited my second and third Lowe's of the weekend. Hubby and I went late after church yesterday to get some wood pieces to be the cross-beam mattress supports for Lydia's big-girl bunk bed. I looked up the dimensions of a twin mattress online, and it said 39 inches, so that is what we got the wood cut to. But then when we got home and I measured about where it would actually sit, I needed it to only be 38 inches, so this morning, I took the wood back out to a different Lowe's to get an inch trimmed off. But that Lowe's told me their saw was broken, so I went to a third Lowe's. (both the second and third Lowe's were close to the apartment, and the first Lowe's from last night was close to the church building). But finally, I got them trimmed up and sanded and they are ready now. She is going to move into her big girl bed this week sometime! :D We live in a tiny place, so moving furniture is interesting... there are about 6 items that need to be done in a specific order to get the crib into our room and the bed into her room. All in the short time that she is awake. :)

I had my 29 week appointment and everything looks great. I'm measuring right on and am up 24 pounds total. Heartbeat sounds good and was anywhere from the 130s to the 150s during the appointment. Baby was head up w/ his/her back towards my back, so all of that needs to change sometime before the birth. There's still plenty of time for him/her to flip around, though, and he/she has definitely been doing that in the past several days. Here is my 29-week picture. Quite a bit of difference from my picture at 20 weeks.

yay for nesting

I don't have the "urge" to nest, but with only 65 to 93 days to go, I finally got on it. The most daunting task on the list was, by far, cleaning out the corner of our bedroom where the crib will go. I had a few totes right next to the wall that held mostly fabric and also a few other miscellaneous craft things, then in front of that was just a huge PILE of lost pajamas and hand me down clothes and pillows and a slip that I had been missing forever that I finally found on the Very Bottom of the pile. I did a ton yesterday to clean out that pile and put everything in its appropriate place, and was really happy with my progress. Today, I plan on inventorying my fabric. I want to sew a few more nursing dresses, and it'll be easier to plan my projects if I have a list of what fabrics I have, and if they're knit or woven, and how much of them I have.

I've also been still thinking about potty training. I've heard that a lot of people had success with the 3-day method, and someone shared their copy with me, so I am going to try it out. I originally was going to try it out next week, on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday, but forgot that my seasonal transcription job starts up at that time, so I wouldn't be able to give potty training the attention it needs. But sometime after August 20th, I may give it a try. I don't really have very high expectations going into this, since I've also heard that this method did NOT work for a bunch of people, but as I sit here and wait for Lydia to "train herself," I can't help but wonder if she doesn't need a little push-start. If I don't do this, then I will be forever wondering "what if," so I just need to do it and get it out of my system.

Hubby is still on the job hunt, with no real prospects yet. This week has not been a good one for him at his current job. He had 4 days in a row of zero sales (and therefore zero income), and on the 5th day the streak was broken... but with only one sale. And even the sales that he does might not "count" since the people have three business days to cancel, and if they cancel, then he doesn't get credit for it. This wouldn't be so bad, but it adds to the uncertainty, because we don't know if any cancellations happen until his pay statement is run, 3 weeks later. I am really hoping and praying that something stable comes along before this baby does. Stress and the postpartum period just do not get along very well.

the to-do list continues

Maybe if I write it all down instead of just keeping it in my head, I'll have a better chance of getting at least some of it done before the baby comes. I HAVE been using a daily to-do list, using the night before to write down things to do the next day, and that has been helping some, but there's still usually one item from each day that gets carried over to the next day. Anyway, here's the big items that need to be done before the baby comes, in no particular order.

- continue hoping and praying for Tim's job situation to get more stable before baby arrives
- pack up Lydia's outgrown clothes
- install infant carseat
- clean out corner of our bedroom where crib will go (includes going through craft stuff)
- move small bathroom cabinet into hallway
- move changing table into bathroom
- sew a bunch of newborn gowns
- dye some infant diapers
- move craft supplies into spot in Lydia's room that used to have the changing table
- move rocking chair into our bedroom
- move crib into our bedroom
- get bunk bed pieces from our friends' house
- assemble bunk bed for Lydia
- wash out chlorine buckets and cover with contact paper

It's a daunting list, but nothing insurmountable. I don't have any more out of town trips planned, and my play food business is at a pretty slow time right now. The chlorine buckets will be my diaper pails. Maybe just one of them, I haven't decided yet. We use cloth diapers, and the diaper pail we use now is itty bitty and only fits just over half a days' worth of diapers in it, and that's just not going to work when we have two in diapers, so I'm getting a bigger pail.

And about the two in diapers... it's inevitable. I am continuing to think about potty training, not in a stressful way, but more in a "research" way. I checked out several books from the library the other day and have started reading them. I first opened up most of them to the "readiness" section and realized that Lydia is NOT ready for potty training yet, as much as I was hoping that maybe she'd be ready for at least one of the methods. She never wakes up dry, even if I withhold her fluids. She always says that her diaper is dry, no matter what its actual condition is. She doesn't notice or care that her peers are potty training. She's not dry for hours at a time. She's just plain not ready. So much for the "rules" that girls train sooner/faster/easier than boys, and that cloth diapers make for earlier/faster training. But, when she is ready, I'm hopeful that it will be a quick and easy process.

The pregnancy is still going fine. I'm down to 12 weeks left, and feeling very uncomfortable already. I'm already so big that I have trouble breathing, and Braxton Hicks just will not leave me alone. There are some times where as soon as I do any activity at all, even walking the 10 steps to the bathroom, I will get hit w/ a BH contraction. They're not painful, but they've gotten to the annoying point, mostly b/c of their randomness. I won't be sorry to leave those behind. I WILL be sorry to leave the kicks behind, though. I keep feeling elbows and knees and feet and playing with them already. So much fun. :)

twenty-seven week appointment

My appointments continue to go well. This time, I gained 7 lbs in 4 weeks, but am still only up 21 lbs overall. I gained 40 w/ Lydia and feel like I'll be in the 35-40 range with this baby as well. I'm measuring right on track and everything just looks great. Since I'm getting scarily close to the third trimester, we've started talking about the birth, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I am so excited and really looking forward to it.

In other news, I was able to score a twin-sized mattress in great shape off of Craigslist for just $18. :D Whenever I get the corner of our room cleaned out so the crib can fit there, then we'll retrieve our bunk bed from where it's stashed at a friend's house, and that will be Lydia's big girl bed. I have a body pillow that I think I will set up on the floor next to her, though, since she still moves quite a bit in her sleep and isn't perceptive of the edge of the bed yet.

three big stressful waits

I really am surprised that I haven't pulled myself into two pieces from the stress I've been feeling lately. It just seems to keep piling and piling and then when the tiniest bit of relief thinks about being seen, it all of a sudden vanishes and the pile continues to grow anyway. I know I just need to let things go and rely on the Lord to take care of them all. I KNOW this. But it's hard. Nearly impossible. I have always been a planner and "need" to know the whens, whys and hows. I can't just let it sit inside me, though, so every so often I need to write about it. Writing helps me, just a tiny bit, to keep from going to pieces.

I mentioned on Facebook that I have three major "wait for its" right now: the coming baby, potty training for Lydia, and a stable job for hubby. Each item on its own would be stressful enough, but combined, they are a mountain of which I cannot see the top. I pray, I try to be peaceful, I try to be supportive where necessary, I try to think positive... and then I just end up in silent tears at night anyway.

To keep this post from being too much of a downer, I will also do a "count your blessings" thing towards the end. Because really, it could be worse.

Of the three, I think the most stressful to me right now is Tim's job situation. Ever since we moved to Dallas two years ago, it has been inconsistent and unstable and come & go. Right now, he is in a commission-only, independent contractor position. He's been there for about 2 weeks, and it is starting off very VERY slowly. We need about 10 sales/week to just barely make ends meet, and his first two weeks had 6 sales and 4 sales, respectively. He's in the middle of his third week and has only had 5 sales in it, with the two slowest days of the week yet to come. The hours that he currently works make it impossible to get a second job and nearly as hard to have any bit of time at all to look for a different job. I can't work right now since I'd just have to turn around and quit in a few months (besides, Tim doesn't want me to work anyway). It is massively hard to live hopeful and positive day by day not knowing until bedtime if any sales have been made, and then being crushed when the daily total is 1 or even 0.

The second-highest stressor is potty training. This situation could be an entire blog in itself (not an entire post, but an entire blog, lol), so I will try to keep it brief. It started when Mom said that me and my two younger sisters were all potty trained by 18 months. It continued this past week when they were talking about a friend of my nephew's who is nearly 4 and is "not potty trained at all" and the tone of voice they used when discussing that. Then here at home, I read things where this one's child just magically trained themselves overnight one night. That is the most common thing I read. And it is usually with a child who is younger than Lydia. I read tips and signs of readiness and give a half-hearted try, and fail, and just do nothing for a few months. Then I start to think about it again and the stress roller coaster reaches a peak and we try again, and fail again, and I have thoughts of just keeping her in diapers forever since she "obviously" won't be one of those children who just trains themselves overnight. Every time I talk about it to people, they tell me that she's "only" such-and-such an age, and just give it time. So I give it time, and nothing that I can see changes in her development in that time. I talk about it again, and they tell me again that she's "only" such-and-such an age. But then I see or hear of multiple children her same age or even younger than she is who ARE potty trained, and I get discouraged again.

The least stressful of my "big three" is the pregnancy. I wonder if I'll be able to get everything ready in time, or how the baby and Lydia will get along, or what type of personality he/she will have, or if I'll be able to be a good mom to two (since sometimes I wonder if I'm even a good mom to one). I wonder how my labor will be and if my support people will be able to make it here in time to help care for Lydia. I wonder if I'll be early or will go overdue or will deliver at just the right time. All of these things are "normal worries" for pregnancy, and they would be fine on their own, but they are just more dirt on the mountain when combined with the other two.

There, now that my feelings are "out there" I can count my blessings.

1. I have a husband who loves God and me and our daughter and our unborn child.
2. We have an awesome supportive church family who would do anything for us.
3. We have our health.
4. We have a roof over our heads (with a/c even).
5. We're not starving.
6. All of our parents are still alive.
7. I had no trouble getting pregnant either time.
8. My pregnancy is "boringly normal."
9. God loves me and WILL take care of us, in HIS time.

drawing for a free sling and swaddling set

Hi all,

I came across this drawing to enter and win a free Sakura Bloom Linen Ring Sling AND some Aden and Anais Muslin Swaddling Blankets. Go check it out!

she doesn't know what a screwdriver is for

For the past couple of months, I have been attending a Bible study on Friday mornings. The teacher of the study has two grown boys and no daughters, and still has quite a few "boy toys" that Lydia and the children of the other students like to play with during the study.

This past Friday, Lydia found a tiny plastic screwdriver. She held that in one hand, by the "metal" part, and held another small plastic something-or-other in her other hand. She'd touch the handle of the screwdriver to the other piece, then put the handle to her eyebrow. She likes to watch when I put on makeup, and in amongst the bins of "boy" toys, she'd managed to find herself an eyeshadow applicator. LOL. It was really cute.

She also was with me for my most recent prenatal appointment, and when we were listening to the heartbeat, I asked her if she heard that. She said, "the baby's talking!" It's really so amazing to see the world through her eyes.

Potty training is still a no-go. She'll sit on it every now and then w/ no results, same as she has for months, but I think she's starting to be aware of when she's just gone. I still don't have any hope for her training before the baby comes, but maybe this winter something will happen.

i am showing enough that strangers notice now

Tim's family was in town over the weekend, and we all went out to the zoo for the day. It was hot and crowded, but we had fun. Lydia got so tired that she fell asleep about 5 minutes into the ride home. That is VERY unusual b/c I can't remember the last time she's fallen asleep in the car, especially if she's not alone in the backseat (which she wasn't this time). But anyway, while on one of the bathroom breaks at the zoo, I was standing in line, and the woman right in front of me noticed that I was pregnant and offered to let me go first b/c of that. I didn't need to all that badly, so I declined, but it was still so sweet of her to offer. :)

My pains that I was having a few weeks ago have lessened, and when I asked my care provider about them, she said that it was likely just ligament pain. I am glad that the pain is gone. However, I have already developed a slight waddle because of the loosening ligaments. I don't remembering waddling at ALL with Lydia, even at the very end, so it's a strange feeling to have it so early this time.

I have been having extremely strange pregnancy dreams as well. Last night, I dreamed that I was a young professional, and was sitting in an audience for a presentation. A bunch of my high school classmates were also in the audience. My supervisor had told me that one of my job duties was to ask a relevant question during the presentation (a microphone was being passed around). I kept missing my chance to do so, b/c someone else would ask a question before I got up the nerve to stand up. Then during a lunch break, I was in line behind two guys, and there was a tray with sandwiches w/ lettuce and tomatoes on it, and each guy grabbed two of the last four sandwiches, leaving the tray empty and me w/o a sandwich. I was about to get really upset and ask for them to give me one of their sandwiches, lol, but then I noticed an entire new covered tray full of the same sandwiches. After eating, but still during the break, I overheard one of my barely-showing classmates talking to some people about her pregnancy, and how she found out that it's a boy. This is the second "baby boy" dream that I've had, and I've only had one girl dream this time.

I had my ultrasound appointment on the 20th, and the technician was amazing. So was the equipment. We were able to see incredible detail, a lot MORE detail than we saw with Lydia. Everything looked great with the baby and its environment. It still has a ton of room in there, b/c we saw it moving all over and wiggling but I didn't feel a thing. Here's a few of the pictures we got to take home, followed by my 20-week tummy.

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toddler fun and not so fun

A brief update on the pregnancy. We had another appointment and it went well. Baby was swimming all over the place so it was hard to grab the heartbeat, and every time we did, it was tiny and faint. Finally we were able to pick it up nice and strong. It's in the 150s. I've gained 11 lbs so far, so if I keep up that rate, I'll gain less than I did w/ Lydia. It makes sense since when I was pregnant with her, I had nobody to chase around and take care of. She is "helping" me burn some extra calories. I must remember to eat more. During the appointment, Tim also got to see the baby kick. There was a big kick, enough to make a little flutter on the outside of my tummy, and he happened to be looking right in that spot. We also scheduled my ultrasound for the 20th, and we are still planning on not finding out.

As for toddler fun, I love love LOVE the cute little ways that Lydia says certain words/phrases. Here are a few of her latest ones.

"nuffin" (muffin)
"butterjelly" (peanut butter and/or jelly... i.e. in the grocery store today, I pointed to just the display of jelly, and she still calls that "butterjelly.")
"shopping groceries" (grocery shopping)
"pooghetti" (spaghetti)
"poojamas" (pajamas)
"princess hat sticker" and "princess hat jammies" (for her 2nd birthday party, one of the activities was making princess hats, so now anything that has a princess on it isn't just a "princess sticker"... it's a "princess hat sticker" even though there are usually no hats in the stickers.)
"nermaid" (mermaid)

Now for the toddler not-so-fun. I've been seriously stressing and worrying about potty training. What if I start too early, what if I start too late, what if she has trouble and it takes years, what if she never gets out of diapers, etc. I've read both Diaper Free before Three and the 3-Day Method E-book, and neither one seems like it would work for us. The methods in the former are geared for MUCH younger children, and for the 3-day method, we can't really do that b/c we don't have three consecutive days in our schedule where nothing is going on. I keep trying to just do a "waiting" method where maybe she will just eventually catch on by example, but months go by w/o her ever showing any further "signs of readiness" (or any at all, really) and the stress cycle starts again.

But anyway. Occasionally when I wake her up from her nap, her diaper is dry-ish. (If she wakes up by herself, then it's already wet 99% of the time when I go and get her.) Yesterday, I woke her up from her nap, and she was dry, so I suggested she go sit on the potty. She got excited and said "Want to go sit on Lydia's little potty??" and I said yes, so I sat her down on the floor and she walked to the bathroom and sat down on it. I sat down on the big potty (closed lid) and waited with her. After less than a minute, I heard some action. I got excited and said "Wow, Lydia, that's peepee! You are putting peepee in the potty!" She stopped briefly and got a bit of a worried look on her face, but I kept being excited for her and cheering her on and she got into it too. Then I asked her if she had any more to put in there, and I heard a little bit more go in and I cheered for that too. Then we went to get daddy and show him what she had done so he could cheer for her and hi-five her as well. I thought it was a good beginning, but then today, every single time I've mentioned her sitting on her potty w/o a diaper, she screams like the world is coming to an end, and insists I put a "new clean fresh diaper" on her. She will sit w/ no problem if she still has her diaper on. I don't know where to go from here and just want to give up on the whole thing forever. Depends aisle, here I come.

not quite the diaper contents i expected

I just put Lydia down for a nap, and changed her diaper just beforehand. I opened it up and found.... a little car. I asked her if she put a car in her diaper and she said yes. Thankfully, the diaper was only wet and not dirty so the little car was easy to clean up.

I am 18 weeks today and have a definite belly, but in certain clothes, I can still "hide" the pregnancy a little bit. I've been having some way-down-low cramps for the past couple of weeks, and I'm afraid that it is SPD. I have an appointment later this week, so I'll definitely be asking about it. But the symptoms list in that link really describes what I'm going through right now. It hurts to walk. Sitting down and laying down are fine, but as soon as I get up, it hurts again. It's possible that it could be just round ligament pain, in which case it will go away comparatively soon, but if it's SPD then it's likely to hang around until even after the birth.

a surprise basket in the kitchen

So yesterday was Lydia's third actual Easter, but this was the first year we put a basket together for her. No eggs, either hidden or colored, though. Maybe next year we'll hide some for her. I think she'd be more into it then. But we "hid" the basket in plain sight on the kitchen floor, and she loved it. :) Here's the video of her exploring it.


Tim's and my 5-year anniversary is this Friday, and he went out on Saturday and got my present, which he couldn't wait to give to me. It was a new phone. :D (I've never really been the flowers/chocolate/jewelry type.) I'd had my previous phone for about 6 years, lol, so it was definitely time for an upgrade. The only thing "advanced" about my prior phone was that it had a color screen (barely) and the phone I had before THAT did not. But it didn't even have a camera or anything. My new phone is awesome and I have been playing with it all weekend. I also downloaded the 141-page manual so I could skim through it as well (it just came w/ a quick-start guide). Ok, who am I kidding, I am actually going to READ the manual, b/c I'm a little strange like that. :p

I do have to share a few funny things from the quick-start guide though. Whoever wrote it has a bit of a sense of humor. Like here's a few tips for caring for your phone (the boldings are mine, and are what made me laugh):

"Water will damage your phone and accessories - even a small amount such as water droplets from a soda in your car cup-holder, melting snowflakes, tears of joy, squirt-gun crossfire or steam from hot water in the kitchen or bathroom.

Use only batteries and accessories from the original manufacturer of your phone - Non-approved accessories can cause damage to you or your phone and shorten the phone's life. Hint: if it's being sold out of someone's car trunk, walk away."

And then here's a safety tip regarding using your phone while driving:

"Keep your phone closed. If it rings and you discover it's in the back seat, do NOT crawl over the seat to answer it while driving.

The whole manual isn't like that (it IS a manual and not a comic book, after all), but those things and a couple of others made me laugh so hard.

In pregnancy news, it's moving right along. I'm undeniably showing a tiny bit now. I have a pair of capris that I wore when I was postpartum with Lydia, and they are my "way fat" pants, lol. They are still a little too big at this point, but my other bottoms are too small. I was wearing them for our most recent appointment and she commented that I was "still fitting into my pants nicely." I had to confess that they were my fat pants, lol. The rest of the appointment went fine. She said that I felt big, but when she actually measured me, I was measuring right on. We talked about my labwork. On two of the measurements, I was very slightly below the "normal" normal range, but the level I was at was perfectly normal for pregnancy. Hematocrit was slightly low at 35.6, but hemoglobin was still in a good range at 12.5. We heard the heartbeat again and talked about my morning sickness. Hopefully THAT is on its way out. I'm trying to eat as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning, and also eat more protein overall, to help keep it at bay. So far, it seems to be working. We'll schedule our ultrasound at our next appointment. I'm excited b/c we will actually get a DVD of it this time instead of just a few pictures like w/ Lydia. :D Yesterday and today I thought I was feeling the baby move again, but the movements still seem "too big" for the size that the baby actually is right now. Like something so tiny surely can't kick me that hard, right?

the incredible shrinking belly, and the feeling is gone

I've decided that what I felt the other day was just an imagined baby movement, and was just digestion instead. No worries, though. I will feel REAL baby movements in my belly soon, soon, soon.

Speaking of the belly, I'm at the point now where I "show" differently, depending on what time of day it is. I'm still small enough that if I lay flat on my back, it completely disappears. Also, first thing in the morning, I'm still somewhat smallish. But all that changes as soon as I eat anything, and then throughout the day, the belly seems to get a tiny bit bigger all the way through to bedtime. Then overnight while I'm sleeping, it shrinks again. Even with all these changing sizes, I have gone ahead and made the switch about 90% over to maternity clothes, especially for skirts. I had a few that were a little forgiving, but the forgiveness can only go so far before comfort needs to take over.

an interesting feeling... and a two-year appointment

So, I've been waking up at night several times. Sometimes I can go back to sleep if I adjust my position, but other times I need to get up and go get a drink or whatever first. During one of my wake-ups last night, at about 2:00 am, I had a strange feeling way down in my lower left middle-ish stomach area. It might have just been digestion, or mmmmaaaayyyyyyyyyybbbbeeee it could possibly have been the baby. It felt like a pea-to-dime-sized bubble that popped, and happened a few times in a row. The area I was feeling it was "correct" to be a baby, as was the size of the feeling (my normal digestive feelings are... much bigger. LOL). But I don't know for sure if I can call it the baby or not. I think I can, but I'm still so early. I didn't feel Lydia until 18 and a half weeks, and I'm 5 weeks away from that right now, but "they" do say that you feel your second baby earlier than your first. So who knows? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But it's nice to imagine that it is. :)

We also finally had Lydia's 2-year well-child appointment this morning, only 4 months late. I mentioned to her doctor that I'd be bringing her a new patient in October, and she said "Oh, ok... OH! Congratulations!" lol. Lydia is the picture of good health, and has maintained her 30% height curve and also gained in her weight curve, from 1% up to 20%. So yay, now she is proportionate. We don't have any issues with her and she wasn't due for any shots today, so her next visit won't be until she's 3. I had Lydia sing her ABCs for the doctor, and then later when she was offering Lydia a sticker, I asked Lydia if she could "ask nicely" for a sticker and she said "May I have a sticker please?" I also taught her the name of her doctor this morning, so that she could say "Hi Dr. ___" and "Bye Dr. ___" today. The doctor recommended moving Lydia from skim milk (what our family is used to) to 2%, but Lydia gets some good fats elsewhere in her diet like from olive oil and whatnot, so I think I will try out 1% instead. Her stats today were a head circumference of 18.5", height of 34" and weight of 25 lbs 8 oz.

Also, I have another "funny word" to add to Lydia's repertoire. Yesterday before church, I had her sitting on a stool in the bathroom so I could curl her hair (and then it fell down about 5 minutes later, lol). She saw Tim's toothbrush by the sink and said "I see a brush-your-teeth!" Then she noticed her toothbrush as well and said "I see Lydia's purple brush-your-teeth too!" I love her cute little words. :)