Tuesday, April 25, 2006

this whole thing still does not feel real

This whole thing still does not feel real to me. I try to picture in my head that in December I will no longer be working outside the home, and I will have a tiny little being dependent on me. The other night at church a new first-time dad of a 3 month old daughter told me that this pregnancy will just fly by... and it scared me! I'm not ready yet. We don't have a crib or a name or anything. I'm still sewing maternity clothes and need some time to finish THOSE up. lol. Even after going to the doctor last week it still feels like all of a sudden one day I may wake up and find that I've dreamed this whole thing after all.

I'm still not having any "big" symptoms. I have had a few tiny bouts of vomiting, and I have little mini-waves of nausea that come every so often, and hubby says my bosom looks larger (I can't tell a difference myself yet though), but all these things are so small. I keep telling people that I want to hurry up and have a little belly so I can feel more pregnant. I want to feel the child kick and poke at me. I want to see my stomach contort into all kinds of weird shapes as the youngling inside me moves around to get comfy (but not TOO comfy... little one, I want you OUT when it's time... lol).

But for now I have to wait. For now it is still fun to walk around the grocery store and see a mama with a belly much more advanced than mine and smile a little secret smile to myself. For now it is comforting to rub my "belly" even though what I'm really probably rubbing is intestines instead of a baby. :) For now I will try to be patient and wait and dream and plan.

Thursday, April 6, 2006

feeling unprepared and insecure

I'm still pregnant. I did take a bunch more tests on Sunday and Monday, managed to keep my willpower and skip Tuesday, then took another test on Wednesday. I will probably take one more on Saturday too (and the other digital since when I took the first digital I forgot to take a scrapbook picture of it, lol) and then taper off to twice a week until I start getting symptoms. I still don't have any. I am a little tired today but I don't know if it's the baby or if it's because the weekend lack of sleep is finally catching up with me.

But anyway, on to the topic. For close to 10 years now I have been reading and learning and talking and studying about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. I have yearned for the day to finally get here when I would be expecting a baby. But even though I spent ALL that time preparing, I feel so UNprepared now for some reason. I still have pretty much my whole pregnancy to go through but I just feel like it's going to FLY by and we will birth this baby with nothing for it (no crib, clothes, etc). lol. It's kindof weird... because in the past I would read a pregnancy book or whatever and be thinking to myself "that is so cool how a baby develops" or "I can't wait until I'm pregnant so I can start getting a big tummy" etc. But now I read those same books and it's very hard to shift thoughts to "wow that is happening inside ME right now" and "in just a few weeks THIS will be happening" etc.

And, I'm SO nervous about being a stay at home mom. It will be wonderful for us, but I've been working for 12 years. It is going to be a huge adjustment. I know that I will love it but I'm still in the nervous stage right now. Everything will work out though. I do have confidence in that at least. And I am very thankful to God for this blessing He has given us.

Sunday, April 2, 2006

despite all odds, we are having a baby!

I did finish the bridesmaid's dress. Well I finished the machine portion of it. I still have to hand-sew the hem, lining, and hook/eye. But that is no big deal... I just have to DO it. And I also finished the curtains and had a GREAT night's sleep the first night they were installed. :) Unfortunately, they will not work for Lunaception though at this time.

Despite all odds and a really bad-looking chart this time, I did end up pregnant. I started wearing a pad on Wednesday in anticipation of my period coming any day the last half of this week. When it got to be Friday night and Saturday morning and my period hadn't arrived yet, I was confused but was enjoying my nice long luteal phase (after having a few 8 and 9 day luteal phases before this cycle). The in-laws were in town and Saturday afternoon I was able to sneak a quick test just before lunch. I went back after eating (probably about 9-11 minutes later) just to confirm that it "developed" into a negative test so I could keep on waiting for my period. I picked it up and was VERY shocked and surprised to see a second line. Then I put it down. I said "no way." I picked it up again and looked at it in disbelief. I smiled to myself and started to get a tiny bit excited. I put it down and went back into the living room w/ the in-laws and kept a secret.

I wasn't for sure if the second line was a "real" line or just an evaporation line though. It was pink, but it was likely read after the time limit. I waited 4 hours and tested again. I also tested with water just so I could see what a real negative would look like. Then I tested again 4 hours after that and 4 hours after that. (Gotta love insomnia lol... the last test was at about 2:00 am). All tests except the water one are positive. i'm still in a bit of surprise because I have been having NO symptoms at all. No nausea, no sore boobs, no hunger, no fatigue, etc. The only thing possibly different is that the past two mornings I've woken up a little warmer than usual. And of course the period that never showed up.

Hubby is SO excited. He keeps telling me, "You're going to be a mommy" or "I'm going to be a daddy" and wondering when we should tell people. I still want to live in the newness of this all before we start telling the world though.