i may be working outside the home again

The car sales business is just not working out for us at all. School is not something in the immediate future, either, since after checking into it, it turns out that some deadlines have already passed and others are too imminent to do anything for this fall. Plus we wouldn't be able to get enough financial aid to live on, or even close to it, so even if I went back to work also, we'd still be sinking.

But Tim is more actively looking for something consistent. The jobs are out there, but I'm sure that there are more applicants than open spots, and Tim hasn't even had so much as an interview yet. It's really depressing. I spent much of Saturday in tears, while he was at work (and not selling anything). I can't sleep. I have little desire to do any chores or to feed myself or anything. I am going camping this week w/ his family, and in early August I'm visiting my family, but if Tim doesn't have a different job (or two) by then, I'll be looking for something that I can do while he's at home, so probably an overnight thing somewhere.

My life is a book. In the past, I felt like I could read ahead a few pages, and imagine what the next day or week or month may bring. But now when I imagine my book, I turn the page, and the rest of the book is completely blank. I simply don't exist after this single moment. The story ends abruptly. As for the part of the story that is already written, I turn back and read over it, and I wonder what I've done so wrong that I ended up here. What am I being punished for? I've tried to be good, I've lived as a Christian example to others, I've honored my husband... and for what? So I can leave my baby and go earn a buck so we don't get thrown out into the street? There has to be more. Something has to come along.

I had even wanted to start trying for a second baby in just a month. That idea is on hold indefinitely now. We apparently can't even meet the needs of the one child we have, so how are we going to be able to handle two? But on the other hand, children ARE a blessing, and I have other thoughts about that. If God chooses to send us another baby, won't he also send us a way to take care of it? And I wonder, by us preventing a conception (by barrier methods... no more hormones for me), if we're also secondarily preventing the blessing of a stable, consistent job for Tim? It's such a quandry to me. I've spent much time in prayer, but still have no answers. Until they come, I suppose all I can do is go one day at a time, one page of my life-book written before the next one comes up.

the "new job" test was today

Hubby missed the passing score by only 2.5 points, so his application process had to stop there. He came home in a good mood, and highly motivated to go sell some cars. Selling is very much needed this month because he's only sold about 4 so far for the whole month.

As for what to do about the future, since this just isn't providing the security and consistency we need, he doesn't know yet. I put the bug back in his ear about going to school to be a nurse. Back in November when he was suddenly let go, that was a bad bad bad time to try to think about that. We had to get some income coming in and quick, so he took the first available thing that came along. It's kept us treading water since then.

If he goes back to school, I may try get a part-time job just so we don't have to live entirely on student loans, at least for a while anyway. We do want more children one day and while I don't mind working part time while hubby is home at Lydia's age now, it's a lot different for a newborn, I think. But we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.

18 month stats

Had Lydia's 18 month appointment today. 31" and 19 lbs 4 oz. :)

pool fun

It's been a while since I posted a video, so here's one for your enjoyment. :) Fun at the pool. There is a "ledge" under the water that is shallow enough for Lydia to stand on, so that's what she's doing when she all of a sudden starts walking.

banana drama (aka life as a toddler)

DD's going to be 18 months on Thursday. And she's entered the phase where if the teeniest little thing doesn't go as she expected, the WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!!! Take this, for instance. We usually have bananas in the house, and DD likes me to peel them and then hold them for her while she takes bites. Well we had this last remaining banana today, and it was VERY ripe. I didn't want to have a snafu with it where half of the banana fell completely off b/c it was too soft, so I decided to put it in a bowl and I'd spoon it to her. I told her we were going to do this. She saw me get the banana and got excited, and saw me doing "something" in the bowl with it. Then she saw the peel go into the trash and just completely lost it. She went right to the trash can and looked in and bawled her eyes out. She knows that empty peels go in the trash, so I took the peel out and let her see that it was empty, and at the same time showed her the bowl w/ the banana in it, told her that the peel was empty, and threw the peel away again. After all that, she sat right down, ready for her banana snack.