never thought this would happen

Once again, my blog has been neglected.

Two days after my last post, I got a positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy passed uneventfully for its first half. We discovered a marginal placenta previa at my 20-week ultrasound, and planned on checking it again in six to eight weeks.

That next check never happened.

My membranes ruptured at 23 weeks, and I was placed immediately on hospital bedrest. They were going to keep me pregnant as long as possible, with the ideal goal being 35 weeks, at which point they would induce. But at 25 weeks and 5 days, I went into unstoppable labor and my sweet baby Jonathan Gabriel was born by emergency c-section.

He lived 27 days.

I pumped during his time in the NICU, and he was able to take some of my milk, but then got an infection and had to stop all oral feeds. The effects of the infection were just too much for his little body to handle, and he lost his fight for life on Christmas Eve of 2011. We were heartbroken.

We are back into a new normal now. We will never stop grieving in our hearts, but will continue walking with God and thereby make it through the days, weeks, months and years to come. We will welcome another child if God chooses to bless us that way, but not now. Not this soon. Even if Jonathan had lived, we would not feel that our family was complete at only three children.

Tim is still at Schwan's. His route has been adjusted a few times and he is now only working nine days out of every two weeks instead of ten. We are happy that he now has every Saturday off. His sales are increasing, but very, very slowly. I've been able to grab a few more transcription contracts to help out, and plan on going back to work this week.

I'm also continuing to declutter. I had hoped to get it done before Jonathan got here, but with the surprise hospital bedrest, that didn't happen. But now that I'm not making daily trips up to the NICU, I have a little more time, so I'm trying to do a little bit every day.

I'm also going to declutter my body, too. For the first time in nearly six years, I'm neither pregnant nor nursing. It's hard to remember how to eat for one. A few people have recommended My Fitness Pal online to me, and I like it so far. My six-week follow-up appointment is tomorrow, and I'm going to ask the doctor then about exercise, since I've never had a surgical birth before. I have been feeling fine, though, so I should be good to go.

I'm also going to ask him if there was a reason for my water breaking so early, and if I can do anything in the future to try to reduce my risk of that happening, and what signs I can watch for to see if it would be more likely to happen again. I will no longer have a blissfully innocent pregnancy. And unlike early miscarriages, I won't even have a "safe week" that I can get to where I can feel confident that the rest of the 40 weeks will happen.

They might not.

But I love children and love being pregnant and if we are blessed with another pregnancy, I will be thankful for every day, every hour, that we have with that baby. Every moment is a gift.