Wednesday, March 15, 2006

keeping negative feelings at bay

Well it is now day 20 of my cycle and I am still waiting to ovulate. I was hoping that I would ovulate at least by Friday so that we would have a chance of getting pregnant, a chance of being far enough along to find out on the 31st, and a chance of being able to tell his parents (they live out of town) in person that we were expecting. But it doesn't look like this is going to happen. I'm ok with it, though, because I'll be seeing them in person at the beginning of May so if (all my if's are in a big, bold, loud font) I get pregnant before then, then I can still tell them in person. I'm in a wedding in early May so I would need to wait until after the wedding to not take away from the bride's big day.

I am still trying very hard to keep a positive outlook on this. I know there are lots of women out there who got pregnant with a very late ovulation but I don't think it will be me. What's really sad is how I am almost counting this cycle out when I haven't even ovulated yet. Someone out there help me keep hoping. I do get a little sadder as each cycle goes by, but I'm just hoping that the happy/sad ratio will stay more towards the happy side.

And really, now that this trying to conceive has been going on for a few months now, I am ok with not being pregnant already. I mean, if we got PG on our first try, then I would have been around 15 weeks pregnant now. Maybe not enough to be showing, but the time would be coming JUST around the corner... and I am a big procrastinator and I don't have NEAR the supply of maternity clothes built up that I want to. In fact, some more fabric is coming tomorrow and I have plans for a lot of "professional" outfits for it. A LOT of outfits, lol. (2 dresses, 2 skirts, and 8 tops). They will be fun to crank out since they don't have any zippers. And this is besides all the fabric that I already had, including 7 yards of khaki material for miscellaneous pants and a skirt. So since I'm not pregnant then I will have time to do some more sewing. I just need to not be on the computer so much. :P

And I'll get to work at my job for another few months. This year in Missouri I've had 3 different jobs already (since May). I won't feel like such a job hopper if I make it to a year with this one. And if I'm not pregnant this cycle then I won't have to worry about waiting to tell after my 90 day evaluation in 6 weeks. The next cycle will have me possibly just ovulating at that time or just finding out.

But getting back to staying off the computer. I need to do more things outside of the online world. Especially since most of what I come on to the computer for is pregnancy, childbirth, TTCing, and other related topics. LOL. Last cycle I didn't chart or check my CM at all and it was both my earliest ovulation AND my longest luteal phase. If this cycle would hurry up and put me out of my misery then I will probably do that for next cycle too. I did have 2 days last cycle (conveniently right around the time of my temp rise) where I had enough CM to notice it w/o actively checking for it. I found it very liberating and relaxing to chart only temps. Especially since a lot of the times my CM isn't really classifiable into a nice chartable category.

But anyway enough about that. It's time for me to go grocery shopping and get a book from the library that I've put on reserve. :) Oh before I go, not being pg now will also give me and hubby more time to save a little cushion to start us off on our staying at home, or paying for a midwife, or whatever. And it will also give us a little more time to help build up his credit. He has almost no credit at all so we are going to try to get him a credit card, and just use it very little, keeping a tiny tiny balance on it month to month to build up his history in the positive. I'm excited about that.

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