i may be working outside the home again

The car sales business is just not working out for us at all. School is not something in the immediate future, either, since after checking into it, it turns out that some deadlines have already passed and others are too imminent to do anything for this fall. Plus we wouldn't be able to get enough financial aid to live on, or even close to it, so even if I went back to work also, we'd still be sinking.

But Tim is more actively looking for something consistent. The jobs are out there, but I'm sure that there are more applicants than open spots, and Tim hasn't even had so much as an interview yet. It's really depressing. I spent much of Saturday in tears, while he was at work (and not selling anything). I can't sleep. I have little desire to do any chores or to feed myself or anything. I am going camping this week w/ his family, and in early August I'm visiting my family, but if Tim doesn't have a different job (or two) by then, I'll be looking for something that I can do while he's at home, so probably an overnight thing somewhere.

My life is a book. In the past, I felt like I could read ahead a few pages, and imagine what the next day or week or month may bring. But now when I imagine my book, I turn the page, and the rest of the book is completely blank. I simply don't exist after this single moment. The story ends abruptly. As for the part of the story that is already written, I turn back and read over it, and I wonder what I've done so wrong that I ended up here. What am I being punished for? I've tried to be good, I've lived as a Christian example to others, I've honored my husband... and for what? So I can leave my baby and go earn a buck so we don't get thrown out into the street? There has to be more. Something has to come along.

I had even wanted to start trying for a second baby in just a month. That idea is on hold indefinitely now. We apparently can't even meet the needs of the one child we have, so how are we going to be able to handle two? But on the other hand, children ARE a blessing, and I have other thoughts about that. If God chooses to send us another baby, won't he also send us a way to take care of it? And I wonder, by us preventing a conception (by barrier methods... no more hormones for me), if we're also secondarily preventing the blessing of a stable, consistent job for Tim? It's such a quandry to me. I've spent much time in prayer, but still have no answers. Until they come, I suppose all I can do is go one day at a time, one page of my life-book written before the next one comes up.