Thursday, April 6, 2006

feeling unprepared and insecure

I'm still pregnant. I did take a bunch more tests on Sunday and Monday, managed to keep my willpower and skip Tuesday, then took another test on Wednesday. I will probably take one more on Saturday too (and the other digital since when I took the first digital I forgot to take a scrapbook picture of it, lol) and then taper off to twice a week until I start getting symptoms. I still don't have any. I am a little tired today but I don't know if it's the baby or if it's because the weekend lack of sleep is finally catching up with me.

But anyway, on to the topic. For close to 10 years now I have been reading and learning and talking and studying about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. I have yearned for the day to finally get here when I would be expecting a baby. But even though I spent ALL that time preparing, I feel so UNprepared now for some reason. I still have pretty much my whole pregnancy to go through but I just feel like it's going to FLY by and we will birth this baby with nothing for it (no crib, clothes, etc). lol. It's kindof weird... because in the past I would read a pregnancy book or whatever and be thinking to myself "that is so cool how a baby develops" or "I can't wait until I'm pregnant so I can start getting a big tummy" etc. But now I read those same books and it's very hard to shift thoughts to "wow that is happening inside ME right now" and "in just a few weeks THIS will be happening" etc.

And, I'm SO nervous about being a stay at home mom. It will be wonderful for us, but I've been working for 12 years. It is going to be a huge adjustment. I know that I will love it but I'm still in the nervous stage right now. Everything will work out though. I do have confidence in that at least. And I am very thankful to God for this blessing He has given us.

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