three big stressful waits

I really am surprised that I haven't pulled myself into two pieces from the stress I've been feeling lately. It just seems to keep piling and piling and then when the tiniest bit of relief thinks about being seen, it all of a sudden vanishes and the pile continues to grow anyway. I know I just need to let things go and rely on the Lord to take care of them all. I KNOW this. But it's hard. Nearly impossible. I have always been a planner and "need" to know the whens, whys and hows. I can't just let it sit inside me, though, so every so often I need to write about it. Writing helps me, just a tiny bit, to keep from going to pieces.

I mentioned on Facebook that I have three major "wait for its" right now: the coming baby, potty training for Lydia, and a stable job for hubby. Each item on its own would be stressful enough, but combined, they are a mountain of which I cannot see the top. I pray, I try to be peaceful, I try to be supportive where necessary, I try to think positive... and then I just end up in silent tears at night anyway.

To keep this post from being too much of a downer, I will also do a "count your blessings" thing towards the end. Because really, it could be worse.

Of the three, I think the most stressful to me right now is Tim's job situation. Ever since we moved to Dallas two years ago, it has been inconsistent and unstable and come & go. Right now, he is in a commission-only, independent contractor position. He's been there for about 2 weeks, and it is starting off very VERY slowly. We need about 10 sales/week to just barely make ends meet, and his first two weeks had 6 sales and 4 sales, respectively. He's in the middle of his third week and has only had 5 sales in it, with the two slowest days of the week yet to come. The hours that he currently works make it impossible to get a second job and nearly as hard to have any bit of time at all to look for a different job. I can't work right now since I'd just have to turn around and quit in a few months (besides, Tim doesn't want me to work anyway). It is massively hard to live hopeful and positive day by day not knowing until bedtime if any sales have been made, and then being crushed when the daily total is 1 or even 0.

The second-highest stressor is potty training. This situation could be an entire blog in itself (not an entire post, but an entire blog, lol), so I will try to keep it brief. It started when Mom said that me and my two younger sisters were all potty trained by 18 months. It continued this past week when they were talking about a friend of my nephew's who is nearly 4 and is "not potty trained at all" and the tone of voice they used when discussing that. Then here at home, I read things where this one's child just magically trained themselves overnight one night. That is the most common thing I read. And it is usually with a child who is younger than Lydia. I read tips and signs of readiness and give a half-hearted try, and fail, and just do nothing for a few months. Then I start to think about it again and the stress roller coaster reaches a peak and we try again, and fail again, and I have thoughts of just keeping her in diapers forever since she "obviously" won't be one of those children who just trains themselves overnight. Every time I talk about it to people, they tell me that she's "only" such-and-such an age, and just give it time. So I give it time, and nothing that I can see changes in her development in that time. I talk about it again, and they tell me again that she's "only" such-and-such an age. But then I see or hear of multiple children her same age or even younger than she is who ARE potty trained, and I get discouraged again.

The least stressful of my "big three" is the pregnancy. I wonder if I'll be able to get everything ready in time, or how the baby and Lydia will get along, or what type of personality he/she will have, or if I'll be able to be a good mom to two (since sometimes I wonder if I'm even a good mom to one). I wonder how my labor will be and if my support people will be able to make it here in time to help care for Lydia. I wonder if I'll be early or will go overdue or will deliver at just the right time. All of these things are "normal worries" for pregnancy, and they would be fine on their own, but they are just more dirt on the mountain when combined with the other two.

There, now that my feelings are "out there" I can count my blessings.

1. I have a husband who loves God and me and our daughter and our unborn child.
2. We have an awesome supportive church family who would do anything for us.
3. We have our health.
4. We have a roof over our heads (with a/c even).
5. We're not starving.
6. All of our parents are still alive.
7. I had no trouble getting pregnant either time.
8. My pregnancy is "boringly normal."
9. God loves me and WILL take care of us, in HIS time.