spring moves on, some progress on some projects

Well, so much for my goal of wanting to blog at least every two weeks. Maybe I should write it on the calendar so I'll remember, or coordinate it with the Saturdays that Tim works (every other Saturday) or something.

Benjamin's continuing to add more words to his vocabulary, including "pray" and "amen." We are still doing elimination communication with him, and he's dry for almost every nap and while sleeping at night, now, and even stays dry while I take him to the kitchen for a drink of water first. He wakes up with a greater need to drink than a greater need to go potty, so I let him sip a bit first and then tend to his other needs. :) I don't have any high hopes of him being 100% potty trained early or anything, but it's been nice to have him go in the potty even on occasion, and hopefully when the time DOES come for him to be potty-independent, it will be a relatively smooth transition.

Lydia continues to read pretty much whatever she can get her hands on. Our trips to the library to refresh our supply of books are more and more frequent. Also, when Tim and I watch TV, we usually turn on the closed captioning so we can keep the volume low and don't bother the neighbors (or a sleeping Benjamin). And Lydia will occasionally read the closed captioning, too, or at least give a valiant effort. I got her a "preschool workbook" in her Easter basket this year and she's enjoyed going through that and learning how to follow instructions with a worksheet instead of just drawing whatever. She also had her first cut-and-paste experience and it went well. It didn't take her any time at all to learn how to use the scissors.

I did finally get some more done in decluttering. I still have to do the bathroom, my bedroom and my closet, but the kitchen, dining room and living room are about 95% done. It is a HUGE improvement over what it was before. Here are a couple of before/after pictures.

Dining room before:


Dining room after:


Play area/living room before:


Play area/living room after:


There is also a couch in the living room that was piled so high with yarn and coats and random stuff that you couldn't even really tell that there was a couch there. But now the couch only has pillows on it, and people can actually sit there. :) I don't want to relax too much because the bedroom and closet are going to be HUGE projects, but I feel a little more able to breathe now. I can sit in the living room or dining room and feel peace instead of getting stressed out because of the clutter.

Tim and I have started the Couch to 5K running plan this week. It builds up with gradually-increasing runs until you can run enough to run a 5K race straight through without walking. I was SUPER sore after the first workout, and the soreness lasted for three days, but I stretched properly after the other two workouts and feel better now. I'm looking forward to doing this program. I want to be able to play actively with my kids for longer than 10 minutes at a time before I get out of breath. And if I happen to lose a pound or two, then I won't complain. :)

Tim's sales at his job have not increased noticeably yet, and the backlog in my transcription is gone (so now I have to log in at just the right time to see if there is work available), but we are still making it. Just because I am a spreadsheet nerd, I started tracking Tim's sales, since he is on a 14-day rotation, so we could see if there were any trends on a particular day or not. So far, there haven't been, but he's only been on each new day for about 4-5 times, so it's still too early to really tell. He's been easily making the sales goals that the company has set for him each week, but those goals aren't quite high enough to be our personal sales goals. I believe the sales will still increase. He has a couple of "super weeks" coming up, and hopefully should have some great sales during that time.

august is gone

I'm not sure what happened to August, but I managed to let it slip by without any blog post at all. I blame Facebook. It's hard to sit down and write a big ol' blog entry, but so easy to do a quick status update.

Anyway. Benjamin's eczema is doing MUCH better. I picked up his fourth homeopathic remedy to try on 7/28, and by 8/11, he was better. It was only a slight improvement, but it was noticeable. He continued to improve over the next several days.

Before:


After (and this is his "bad" side):


His skin didn't clear up totally, though, and started getting worse again, so I gave him a second dose this past Sunday. The remedy he's on is a slow-acting one, so I'm watching it for improvement. I also had been off dairy, but went back on it about 8/1 because of being out of town. I had my doubts that it was dairy causing his eczema anyway, and I'm even more sure that dairy's not a culprit because while on this remedy, his eczema improved, despite me being back ON dairy (after being off for nearly six weeks).

I am still practicing part-time elimination communication with him. He is doing really well with it and on days where I offer the potty enough, he will hold it and wait for me to offer again. I don't expect him to be potty trained early or anything (far from it, given my struggles with Lydia, lol), but I just want to let him keep the idea in his head that a potty is an option. And this one day, I was letting him go potty, and Lydia came in and watched him and then tried to make the sign for "toilet" at him. She stuck her thumb between her fingers, made a fist, then shook it at Benjamin and said, "Potty! Potty! Potty!" It was so cute.

Lydia, on the other hand, had a ton of accidents around the trip, which is understandable. It was kind of ironic, though. I hadn't packed any Pull-ups for her, on purpose, b/c she did so well on the trip to Oklahoma. Well, the first two nights were disasters. So on the third night (and for the rest of her trip) I put her in Pull-ups. And of course, those were dry in the morning, lol. Then when we got back home, I put her back in undies, and was rewarded by a wet bed again for two nights. But now she is back to normal and is doing great.

Speaking of our trip, I do have several pictures from it, but first I'd like to talk about Lydia's reading again. I had dropped off the 100 Easy Lessons because of scheduling conflicts and the trip and everything, and tried to pick it back up again on Saturday. The "easy" lessons (we're in the 60s somewhere) are turning into long and hard ones. So what I'm doing now is setting the timer for 15 minutes and then if she's not done with the lesson, I put the lesson away and we'll do more of it the next day. Then I pick out a book and read her a story. I am a bad mom b/c I haven't been reading to her like I should. She needs that from me.

Anyway, on to the trip pictures. Here's Lydia with my Granny and Grandpa.



Lydia with her new outfit from Rae Rae (my mom) (and the funny thing about this outfit is that the hat and jumper came from two different places... but doesn't it match perfectly?):


Lydia in an Oklahoma wheat field sunset:


Water babies:



I'm still slowly working on getting organized. I moved some small furniture around and threw out some large boxes so far, and can now move on to some small things. A few immediate items are to clean out the bins in the "window" between the kitchen and dining room, organize the pantry, and go through the paperwork box. I hope to get those accomplished this week, amid transcription and a play food order.

Benjamin is crawling. He is now doing a proper hands-and-knees alternating crawl, but this video shows his early attempts. He seemed to just move whatever limb he was thinking about, lol. And even now, when he gets excited, he will forget about his legs and try to crawl just with his arms, which just gets him to a belly flop. :p He is also learning what "don't touch" and "come to mama" mean. I especially figure that the latter is easier to teach him now, when he actually WANTS to be with me. And "don't touch" is taught by a lot of repetition. He gets mad at me, but after about 10-15 tries and being told "no" and being removed from the item, he gives up and finds something else to do. Then 10-20 minutes later, he tries again. haha. But I will persevere and prevail. On the teeth front, he still just has those 6 teeth that he got months ago, with no more looming on the horizon yet. He is finally mostly sleeping through the night again, only waking up once most times (which is MUCH better than the 5-6 times per night he was doing in late July). He can "talk" a little bit. I think he's said "all done" before, when he was on the potty, and after he was, you know, all done. lol. He only did it a couple of times, though, and hasn't really said anything else (not even "mama" or anything). Anyway here is his video. :)


And here is Lydia, enjoying a... "drum" lol:

nine month stats and high school memories

Phew, I just managed to eke out another entry for July. Go me, haha. I might be able to squeeze another one in next week, depending on how busy things get. I barely find time for all the stuff I "need" to do, and then blogging is just extra.

Anyway. Well, after all that whining about potty training in my last post, I now can't remember the last major accident that she's had. She is really doing great, even for #2s and everything. And last night, she asked if she could wear undies to bed instead of a Pull-up and I asked her if she was going to keep the bed dry, and she said yes, so I gave it a try (she'd already been in undies for naps for quite a while with no incidents). She woke up dry. So we're trying it again tonight, too. I hope I don't jinx myself by saying that it's done, haha.

I'm still doing elimination communication with Benjamin, too, still very part-time. He's still not a whole lot closer to crawling than earlier this month, but he will very rarely get up on his hands and knees, briefly. And he is a GREAT sitter, now. I can set him down, and sometimes he'll stay just like that for an hour or more. But if I lay him down, he will roll all over the place. We had his nine-month appointment this month and he is 27" long (but I think he might be a smidgen longer) and he weighs 15 pounds and 14 ounces. The weight gain is quite a bit from the last time he was in the office. He's still quite the peanut, but it's apparent that I make tiny babies.

Some of the busy-ness that I mentioned earlier is because I am trying to get the apartment cleaned out of random stuff that we just plain don't need anymore. Papers will be the most challenging thing to go through, I think. I am a saver and a hoarder, lol. But there are a few small pieces of furniture that I want to move around to hopefully make the whole place a bit more organized, so we can start having people over again without them feeling like they've walked into clutter city. It's hard, though, because I have all these big ideas but then no time between all the other normal stuff like the kids and the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry and the transcription (and the blogging, haha). I have started getting up early 3 days/week and going walking w/ a friend (and B, but leaving Lydia at home) and those days feel more productive to me overall.

We went to hubby's high school reunion last weekend. It wasn't a huge turnout, but the two people he wanted to come, came, so we got to see them and then a few other people. There was a short meet-and-greet at the school on Friday night, then a BBQ lunch on Saturday and a fancy dinner Saturday night. At the lunch, they had rented a bounce house. Lydia went in there for all of about 30 seconds before getting terrified and wanting out. She's also scared of the roly polies (or pill bugs) on my morning walk that I sometimes take her on. She'll sit and watch one all day long, but if I suggest she hold it, she gets terrified. I don't know how I ended up with such a fearful child. I wonder if she'll grow out of it at some point.

Hubby wants to teach a Bible class up at church at some point, too - but not the adult class. He wants to teach the middle schoolers. The class slots are assigned several quarters in advance, so he's already thinking about who he wants to ask to teach with him.

And here are another couple of videos. This first one is just Lydia being three, lol. It's pretty typical of how she acts all day. ALL day, lol. As a matter of fact, she's actually quite calm in this video.



And here's B laughing at me when I go up and down. It took me a bit to get his attention away from the camera, but the wait is worth it. :p

books and bathrooms

Hm. I really need to get better at this blogging thing. One post a month does not make a very updated blog, lol. Anyway here is my first -- but hopefully not last -- entry for July.

I've been feeling a little down on myself lately. Fun events have happened, but they were events that I didn't get to go to. My schedule was open. It was an event that I would have greatly enjoyed. But I wasn't invited (and usually the hosts were people who I thought were closer friends than I guess they really are). I only found out about these events later, when the pictures or a mention of it was posted on Facebook or something. It's hard to just suck it up and move on, but that is what I need to do. There ARE people out there who love me for who I am, and I can't be invited to everything. It does still sting a little when I hear of yet another event that went on without me, though.

Lydia is doing well. I've actually started homeschooling her. :) There is a book out there that Tim's sister gave us called "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I started it with her a couple of months ago, and she really likes it and caught on pretty fast. It's really a great book and I've heard lots of good things from others who have used it on their children. Here's a little video of it in action:



But as well as she's doing with that, she's still not doing so well with potty training. She still has about 3-4 #2 accidents a week. I don't know what else to do with her. I can't find any pattern as to what causes them. Sometimes it's when she's busy playing, but that's not the case for all of them. I'm really at my wit's end with it. What makes it worse is that she has absolutely no qualms at all about going in the potty. She'll try if I ask her to and will almost always go (and we're still talking #2s here). I feel like I almost need to remind her ever half an hour or so, as if we were in the beginning of potty training instead of near the end.

Benjamin, however, is doing well with his "potty training." I'm able to let him "sit" on the big potty now (without a seat insert), so that definitely makes the cleanup easier, since I don't have to dump out and clean the small potty each time. I still offer just based on timing, but there are some really good days where I only use like 3 diapers all day long. If this continues to go well, I may get him some tiny undies for his first birthday. Having those would definitely make going potty in public a LOT easier than it is with a pinned diaper.

I did go off dairy and have been off it for about 3 weeks now. I had worse cravings this time than I did last time. But I am introducing some goat's milk and some raw cheese, and both of those seem to be tolerable. Benjamin was also extra fussy right after I went off dairy, but that fussiness ended up being caused by his teeth... he was working on numbers 5 and 6. He's really starting to get quite the toothy grin. :)

He's also increasingly mobile. Still not crawling, but he's getting closer. I'm guessing that he'll at least be army crawling by the end of this month. He can almost get up on his hands and knees. He sort of does it w/ a "straight" bottom, like if he is doing girly-style push-ups.

Another book that I've been reading is "Raising Your Spirited Child." I don't think Lydia is "spirited" per se, but she does have some of those characteristics. I'm taking that book and hopefully finding a bit of meat, then I can spit out the bones. But anyway, there was a chapter about introverts and extroverts, and that chapter was helpful to my relationship with Tim of all things. See, he is the poster child for extroverts, and my picture is in the dictionary next to introvert. That chapter explained a lot for both of us, and we kind of know better how to relate to each other now.

growing and playing

Benjamin is gaining weight appropriately. His doctor did end up sending him for some blood tests (slightly elevated liver enzymes) and a liver ultrasound (normal). The on-site lactation consultant also asked me if I was getting enough calories. I was not, and after a week of counting my calories, he gained nearly 6 ounces. He is still gaining and today is right at 15 pounds. I'll be going in for roughly biweekly weight checks until his 9-month appointment later this summer.

I am still practicing elimination communication with him, and it is going well. I still can't tell at all when he needs to go, so I've just been doing it on timing. We went through a couple of phases where our communication seemed to be off, so I took brief breaks here and there. But so far, this week has been pretty good. I've even had my first #2 catch(es) since he was an infant. I'm so glad I kept doing it and didn't just give up altogether.

His eczema, on the other hand, not so great. It's still just as bad as it's always been. And just when I think I've found out which food it was that was causing it, his face gets worse, even before I re-introduce the potentially offending food. We did go ahead and go see a homeopath on the 19th, and she sent us home w/ a remedy that I will give him on Monday, then give it several weeks to see what affect it'll have. Meanwhile, a friend gave us a referral to a pediatric allergist so I may make an appointment to get a blood test for him, just to see if he is allergic to something that I can control.

And now if you made it this far, here are a couple of videos for your enjoyment.

Lydia decided to dress Benjamin up in her princess outfit. He liked it.


Here she is, teaching him a Bible class song until she saw me filming her, lol.


And you know how those sauce packets from a particular fast-food Mexican restaurant have cute and corny sayings on them? Here she is, "reading" them.

the next big thing

My three big waits are over. Baby has arrived, hubby has a job, and Lydia is potty trained. I don't know what the "next big thing" is now. Just, life. Day-to-day stuff. Chores. There's nothing huge to wait for anymore. I am content.

For Lydia's potty training, I changed my approach at the end. I gave her tiny presents to unwrap if she did #2 in the potty. If she did #2 in her pants, I cleaned her up w/o any words at all (previously, I am embarrassed to say that I would sometimes lose it and yell in frustration). A few days of this, and she decided that #2s went in the potty. Then, one evening, she went to the potty all by herself, w/o me reminding her. And that was that. She's had a couple of accidents since then, but she is daytime trained, for naps and everything. Night-training could happen in a week or it could happen in a year or more. I'm not stressed about that at all.

Benjamin's "potty training" is going well, too. We have our phases that we go through were sometimes we're in tune with each other and other times we're not, but the past few days have been pretty good. It's a little easier overall now that he's bigger, and can sit by himself on the little potty w/ me helping him a little.

Tim's job is still going fine. There is someone up there who is leaving, and starting yesterday, that person took Tim out on his route so that he could introduce Tim to his customers... as his replacement. :) Yes, after over four months of "training," Tim is finally getting his own route. We are pretty excited about this.

My work is going fine, too. I'm still transcribing for two companies and love the flexible schedule. I also make play food and a few other crocheted items every now and then, when people want it, but it's not my "main thing" like I'd hoped it would be when I first started it.

I've gone through a partial purge here, w/ some clothes and toys and stuff. The half of the living room that doubles as Lydia's play area had previously been massively cluttered w/ random books and toys there. Nothing had a place of its own. I think that the purge has affected Lydia's attitude, for the better. She just seems "easier" seemingly overnight. It's hard to put the change into words, but it's there, definitely.

We had Benjamin's 4-month visit yesterday and he is 13 lbs 12 oz and 26" long and his head is 17" around. I did ask his doctor about his facial issues, and she thought it might be eczema. She said that, if I wanted, I could put straight Vaseline on it and also occasional hydrocortisone, but that she wouldn't do any more than that at this time. I also told her that I cut dairy out of my diet, and she said that I could continue that as well. The first time I cut it out, after about 11-12 days, he started to get better. Then I ate some cheese and sour cream, and he got worse again within hours. I'm now on day 10 of stopping dairy again and am seeing a very slight improvement.

Now I'm at the end of this post. I guess the next big thing will be home ownership, but that's too far away to even have a countdown for yet. Soon, though... soon. :)

a new year with new challenges... and some old ones

One of my new challenges is to get in better shape. It's not really a "New Year's Resolution" per se, but since I just happen to be about 3 months postpartum and also still about 16 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight (I haven't lost any additional weight since the first two weeks), it's time to be a little more proactive. Our apartment remodeled the old laundry room into a workout room. I have been there twice so far... once to check it out, and once to actually do a session. I just did the treadmill and will probably stick with that for the forseeable future, unless it's busy, and then I will probably do the stepper. I've never really thought my diet was TOO terrible, but when I keep thinking about exercising, it's also making me think twice about what I eat, too, like for snacks and whatnot. I need to get more fruits and veggies and fewer chips and cookies. Or maybe I can put the fruits and veggies IN the chips and cookies, lol, like make dried veggie chips and then put carrots and zucchini in the cookies.

An always-ongoing challenge is finances, of course. We are very very blessed to have received an answer to our prayers for a good job for hubby, but after nearly four months on the job, he still does not have his own route yet and therefore is still making "training" pay. He tells me that he is next in line to get one, though, so hopefully any day now we will have some changes. Meanwhile, the training pay comes just slightly short of our monthly needs, so I have been continuing to work as well. I have narrowed down all my transcription things to just two companies, and between the two of them, it's a nice supplement to hubby's job. January is also a month where his job gets three checks, so there's that "extra" money, too, which will help keep us afloat.

Benjamin is growing like a weed. I weighed him today and he is 13 lbs 13 oz. Lydia didn't reach that weight until nearly 10 months. He has a double chin and is very smiley and loves to "talk" to people. I've gotten to where I can get him up on my back for grocery store trips, and it's SO much comfier than wearing him on my front. I am trying to branch out to a few different ways to wrap him up there, but am having a few failures intermixed with my successes. But at least I CAN get him there. We are still ECing with him as well, and that is also still having its hits and misses. He still has skin issues on his face. His dr said at his 2 month appointment that it was just acne and sensitive skin, but I'm starting to wonder if it's eczema and if he's sensitive to something in my diet. I tried to keep a food log b/c the redness does come and go (although it's heavier on the "come" side than the "go" side), but I really eat the exact same thing every day so that didn't help me any.

Lydia has entered the terrible threes in full force. Whenever I'm consistent with her discipline, she is a dream child, but if I slack even in the very slightest, she sees that as an opportunity to whine, cry, run away when I call her, etc. It is hard to be consistent w/ Benjamin around, since often times he is nursing or needing a diaper or whatever at the same time that she needs attention, but with prayers and with the grace of God, I will continue to try to be a better mother each day than I was the day before. And tomorrow it will be easy to do that, because today, I did not have a good day, mostly related to her potty training, or lack thereof. I got upset at a situation in the evening, and told her how I really felt. :(

But let me elaborate on the potty training and then you might be able to at least understand my frustrations. Last week, I set up a posterboard in the bathroom. On it, there are pictures of pee and poop in the potty (ok pictures of potties and then I colored some brown and yellow... I wanted it to be real but not TOO real, lol), pictures of wet and dirty diapers being put into the pail, a picture of Lydia "telling" me and hubby that she needs to go potty, and a picture of a dry diaper. She was with me while I was making it, and I talked it up, but it still took a few days or so for her to understand what it was for. But she seemed to like it. Oh and at the very bottom was a picture of her "prize"... some Dora panties.

She is still not catching on that she needs to (eventually) initiate her own trips to the potty. But she does things that get my hopes up, and then does other things that just make me really feel like she WILL be wearing diapers to college. On Sunday, she stayed dry (in a Pull-up) ALL DAY, including a #2 in the afternoon. Granted, I was taking her more often than I would have gone myself (and I initiated all the trips), but still, ALL DAY... including eating out after church and being out late like that (she went early at the restaurant and then not again until we got home). But then today, it was diaper after diaper. She did have one instance where I was in the bathroom, and she was in there too, w/ a wet diaper, so I took the old diaper off while I was sitting down and she was standing next to me. Then while her diaper was off and I finished up my business, she sat down UNPROMPTED on her little potty and went #1. Then she thought about it and said she had to go #2, and a few minutes later, she did that as well... also in her potty. We celebrated and got stickers and I started to put a diaper back on her (trying to save the $$$ Pull-ups for church) but she wanted a Pull-up. I told her that she needed to go to the potty on her own and if she peed or pooped in it, then she'd be getting a diaper. Not even FIVE minutes later... she did #2... IN the Pull-up. Yay. Then this evening right before bed, another #2, in her diaper. :( And it was one that was really hard to clean up, too.

So that is where we are with that. I don't want to close on that unhappy note, so I'll share a couple of recent pictures of Benjamin, since it's been a while since I shared.

when being abnormal is a bad thing

There were some things in my past that I could classify as abuse. These things caused me to build a little wall. I thought I healed and I thought I tore down the wall, but maybe I didn't. Sometimes being abnormal is OK (like we as Christians are a peculiar people) but sometimes it's not OK. I think that my wall is still there. Sometimes I just feel... not "sad" really, but just emotionless in general, almost like I'm afraid or unable to feel anything very deeply. Like with the birth of my children... I didn't feel a huge adrenaline rush with either one of them. I didn't have thoughts of "OH it's my BABY and you're here and I'm so excited to meet you!" The thoughts were more like "oh, hi baby. You came out. Nice to meet you." When I watch the video of my son's birth, it's evident to me the lack of strong emotions.

Now don't get me wrong, I DO love my kids. But more often than not, it's more of a mental thing than an emotional thing. It's like I am taking care of them and stuff and just going through the motions that I mentally know that I'm "supposed" to, and that's the main driver.

I wouldn't be so concerned, except that from the time I was a child, being a mom was ALL I wanted to do. That was it. I didn't want to have a career when I grew up. Being a mom WAS the career I wanted. Then years later now that I AM a mom, I'm like "this is it? This is all there is?" The excitement and happiness and love that I thought when I was younger that I'd have, just isn't there w/ the expected intensity.

And it's not like I CAN'T feel things intensely. I have before. But just not in the recent past, or even in the short-term past. And I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older or if I really am NOT normal this way, b/c of the wall that I've built. I can't break down this wall myself. But it needs to go. The people around me are suffering and they deserve better. Somewhere on the mess of the dining room/craft table is the book outlining the benefits that Tim gets at his job, and I am going to see if there is some sort of counseling hotline there first. Maybe they can either reassure me or maybe they can refer me for further assistance.

But enough about that. In other news, potty training is actually moving FORWARD with Lydia! Sometime while we were out of town at Thanksgiving, she started being able to reliably go #1 whenever we put her on the potty. And sometimes she could even do #2, too. She totally doesn't feel the urge to go on her OWN yet, and doesn't care or notice if her diaper is wet (like if she's playing or whatever), so I can see this still being a several-months-long process, but I am pleased with some progress, finally.

"potty training" my son

Yes, my son, and no, I'm not talking about a future event. I hope nobody thinks I've gone completely off my rocker after reading this blog entry, lol. Anyway, it's not really potty training, but elimination communication. There are any number of sites and books out there that go into more detail on it, but the gist of it is that newborns and infants give off signals when they're about to go to the bathroom. Parents can pick up on these signals, even part time, and an infant can start to hold it until being held over the toilet or small potty bowl. Then the parent can start giving "cue sounds" to help the infant make an association between the sound and the going.

Anyway I had heard about this a long time ago, probably when I was pregnant with Lydia or even before that. I tried it with her, but didn't really start until she was 15 months or so, but that was too late already. If a baby's signals aren't being read by the parent, then the baby will eventually stop giving them as they continually "learn" to use their diaper instead. Then when the baby is a few years old, they have to "unlearn" how to use the diaper and how TO use the potty.

So far, I've been pretty much a failure at trying to potty train Lydia. I was also a failure when I tried to potty train our cats, back when we had them. (Don't laugh too hard, there's actually an entire Yahoo group dedicated to helping people learn how to toilet train their cats... TOILET train, not litter box train.) So when I wondered if I could do elimination communication (or EC for short) with Benjamin, I went into the adventure stresslessly, without any expectations. In fact, I was more thinking that I'd fail rather than have any success at it, since I can't seem to get Lydia potty trained properly. But I was pleased and surprised at the early results so far.

It sort of started subconsciously a few weeks ago, because I noticed that when he was nursing, he'd sometimes pop on and off for a few minutes, then do a #2, then be able to relax and nurse. So that was one clear signal that he gave. Another more subtle one is sometimes he will just seem to be staring off into space, and then a #2 comes out of nowhere. But yesterday, I started trying to take him to the potty. I had several "catches" (what EC-ers call it when the #1 and/or #2 goes into the potty) yesterday, including one after Tim got home from work late that night. That catch was about 10 seconds after Tim walked past the bathroom, and he was amused and curious as to why I was holding our baby over the toilet. Then today, I've had more #2 catches in the toilet than have been in the diaper. One of them was after he'd been napping for only about an hour. I heard him stirring in the other room and went to get him, undressed him, and found his diaper was dry and clean. I held him over the toilet, and within less than 2 minutes, the #2 came and he was much relieved. Once he was more comfortable, he nursed back to sleep and I expect the rest of his nap to last about 2.5 hours or so.

In other news, I'm looking forward to going out of town to see my family next week for the holiday. Lydia is finally getting her 2-year molars... all 4 of them at once. Tim is really loving his new job, but is in the middle of working 10 straight days, including Sunday, so that he will be off for Thursday and Friday and can come with me out of town (and that schedule was a company-wide thing rather than his choice to work those particular days).

adjusting slowly but surely

I'm not back to 100% yet, but getting there slowly. Some days I think that I can handle being a mom of two after all. But there are still those hours here and there where I still just wonder what I got myself into and lament the fact that it's too late to change my mind about being a parent even of one child, never mind two. I'm still sleep-deprived although I have started taking a short nap if both of them happen to be napping at the same time. And he is starting to sleep a little more at night, from about 11-6 with one brief waking, so that seems to help a little, too. But right now with him it's just eat, diaper, cry, diaper, eat, eat, cry, diaper, eat, cry, diaper, cry, sleep, sleep, diaper, eat, cry, sleep, diaper. And some of that crying is from me and not from Benjamin, lol.

Lydia continues to be a challenge and a joy at the same time. She continues to randomly get my hopes up for potty training. Like this evening in her bath, she randomly said that she went in the tub, and that she wanted out. I asked her if she wanted to go in her potty and get new bathwater and she said yes, and she went in her potty right away. But all day long, she never mentioned or noticed her diaper, and also said that there was no #2 in a particular diaper when I asked her, but really there was.

Benjamin is still "suffering" from some newborn acne. (It's just visually unappealing, but doesn't seem to bother him at all.) I am ready for it to go away. It had some improvement earlier this month but hasn't made any additional improvement since then, that I can tell. Other than that, though, he's doing well, growing and gaining. On Saturday he was 10 lbs even and 23.5" long. I had that one "awake" smile when he was about 3 weeks old but am still waiting for any more. In the meantime, though, I sure do love the cooing. I don't remember Lydia starting her cooing this early, but Benjamin's been doing it nearly since birth, it seems. Here's a short clip where he has a sound in the beginning and then a few more near the end.

finding the potty contents

Sometimes when I change Lydia's #2 diapers, the wiping hurts her a little, and she cries and fights me. But of course if I leave anything on there, it'll be hurting even MORE later, so I just explain to her that I need to clean it all, and that if she could put her poop straight into the potty, then there wouldn't be so much wiping. Other times, I am ready to put a new diaper on and she starts crying saying that she needs to go potty (which I usually am doubtful of since her previous diaper was already full). But I let her sit on the potty and tell me when she's done, and I'll go and give her some "privacy." She usually tells me she's done after just a minute or so, and has had no results in the potty at all, but still goes ahead and wipes and flushes.

But this morning, I left her sitting on her potty while I put a load of diapers in the dryer. A minute later, she ran into the kitchen (our laundry nook is just off the kitchen) and I asked her if she was done yet. She said no and ran back to the bathroom. Then after another minute, she calls to me and said that she "found" some peepee. (I didn't know it was lost, lol.) I said, "You did? Let me see," and started towards the bathroom. But I should have told her that I was going to COME and see. She didn't realize that I was coming, because when I turned the corner to go down the hallway, she had already come out of the bathroom and down the hallway... carrying her half-full potty, to bring it to me so I could see. LOL. I'm amazed that she didn't spill any of it. So I took it back into the bathroom and took care of it and had her wipe and stuff, and gave her a hi-five.

Then I put a diaper back on her. LOL. All of these "random successes" are just that, random, and while this may be the start of something big, I'm not ready to go 100% to underwear yet, especially with the new baby coming any day now which may likely cause her to regress. Or who knows, she may see the diapers on the tiny baby and realize that she is SO much bigger than the baby and can do so much more, including going in the potty, and decide to ditch the diapers herself. But I'm not holding my breath for that, either.

But, yes, this baby is still baking. I'm not due until Monday, but if this pregnancy goes just like Lydia's did, then I'll have this baby tomorrow. But I'm trying to hold out until Friday. Either way, I'm doing fine. I had some swelling in my feet, but it was more concerning to me than to my care provider. My blood pressure is still hovering in the high 70s/low 80s, and I gained 3 lbs since last week. She thinks that it's going to be an 8-lb baby. I'm still having no regular contractions, and baby is still slightly posterior, so I'm working on getting him/her to float around to a better birthing position. But I am remembering Lydia's labor and am pretty sure I'll be able to recognize it in time to get everyone called in time.

Hubby called Schwan's on Thursday to get an update, and they were still waiting on his paperwork. But then Friday morning it finished coming through, so he started on Monday. They have an extensive 4-week training period that is divided up with daily tasks, but his first week has already had to be rearranged because their computers have been down, so he hasn't been able to do those training modules yet. Hopefully they're up so he can do them today. Tomorrow he goes in for an overnight, and then is off for the weekend, then the rest of his training is normal 5-day weeks, about 9 to 9.

a lot of progress

The Schwan's ride-along went very well, and they called Tim the next day to have him come in this past Thursday to "start the hiring process." Thursday and Friday he filled out paperwork for DMV background checks, took a drug test, went to a physical therapist so they could test him to see if he could physically perform the essential functions of the job, etc. They offered him the position, pending his paperwork coming back fine (waiting on the DMV and drug test). Depending on when it gets processed, he'll either start on Monday or on 10/5. I am so excited and thankful.

And my transcription is going fine as well. I did hear from the training department a week ago on Monday, and had a conference call orientation w/ them on Wednesday. Turned out that I needed only IE7 on my computer instead of IE8, b/c their software doesn't work at all w/ IE8. To downgrade, I had to reset my computer back to its factory settings. That took a couple of days, but everything is back to normal now and I've been able to start work with them (we'll call them ST). After six weeks, they are going to review my work and possibly take off the restrictions, so I may be able to do some longer files. I am also continuing with the other company, MWP, that I started with at the end of August. They communicate with me via YIM, and a few days ago, one of the "head" people there was asking how I was feeling and how much longer I had left and how long I'd need to take off afterwards. I told her, and she said that I was doing very well at the job and that when I came back from maternity leave, I might be able to become a team leader. :) I also did test w/ the last company, we'll call them TP, on Tuesday evening. The "invitation to test" email said that they'd let the testers know in a week how they did, and that week is up tomorrow. That company does both medical and general transcription, and the test had both aspects to it. I feel like I did well on it, but haven't heard anything from them yet.

Lydia's potty training had an "event" today. Tim was sitting in the bathroom with her, patiently, and she had some #1 in the potty. He put her in a Pullup. Then later, her Pullup was wet (but she also still went some in the potty, too). He put a new Pullup on, and that one got wet as well, so he put her back in a diaper after that. At bedtime when I was changing her, she asked for underwear. I politely declined her request since apparently she's still not ready. I explained that she could have underwear when she could go in the potty within a few seconds of sitting on it instead of the "hours" that it takes her now. She didn't argue or complain. And since I'm due in under 2 weeks now, the likelihood of having two in diapers is up to nearly 100%.

Speaking of which, WOW, I am due in under two weeks! I have random contractions now and then, but nothing regular. I'll have two that are 10 minutes apart, then another one a few hours later, then nothing until the next day where I'll have a tiny batch of them that are about 7-9 minutes apart, then a few more hours of nothing, etc. I'm ready for this baby to come, but just hope that I can recognize real labor when it happens. With Lydia, my real contractions even felt different than the BH contractions. But with this baby, some of the "fake" contractions feel JUST like real ones. I need to call some people when labor starts, but it just seems like if I wait too long to be sure that it's "started" then it'll be too late in the game to call people. :p

A couple of my friends hosted a tea party for me on Sunday afternoon. It was a time to just hang out w/ a few friends and drink tea and eat chocolate and fruit, and it was great to share those couple of hours with everyone. We played a couple of games: draw-the-baby-on-the-paper-plate-on-your-head, and cut-off-a-piece-of-string-that-will-fit-around-the-mama-belly. Everyone overestimated my belly, even me. Then at the end of the shower, I got a very unexpected blessing. If I wasn't so in shock at the time, I probably would have started bawling right then. In the past, when I have been feeling down about things, people would tell me about their unexpected BIG blessings that had happened to them, and I'd be happy for them, but at the same time, "know" that HUGE stuff just never happened to me and probably wouldn't happen. But now it has. And I'm sitting here bawling now, thinking about it. God knew not only what I needed, but when I needed it. To Him be the glory.

a little progress

Well, it turns out that the Pizza Hut egg was a dud. But no worries, b/c several paths seem to be opening for us. Hubby has a ride-along with Schwan's on Tuesday to see what a normal day like that would be, then afterwards he can call the company and let them know if he wants to move forward w/ the application process. Monday, he calls the manager of On the Border to schedule a third interview with them. Wednesday night, he goes up to UPS for about an hour and a half to get a feel for what that would be, and would go forward w/ the application process after that.

Meanwhile, I've heard back from two more transcription companies. One of them has all my paperwork, and I'm just waiting to hear back from the training department, should be Monday. And another company contacted me yesterday, inviting me to test w/ them. That test isn't due until Wednesday, so depending what I hear on Monday from the other company, I will do my tests on Monday night.

Pregnancy is moving right along. I'm nearly 37 weeks now, and not nearly as "done" with my to-do list as I'd liked to have been by this point. I think I need to RE-do it again, b/c as time keeps marching on, the items that I feel "have" to be done before the baby comes get fewer, and more and more items can just be pushed back a little bit. But my appointments are going OK. My blood pressure is rising a little bit, so I'm hoping that stays low enough through the rest of the time.

Lydia asked to go potty tonight, while at someone else's house, so I took her into the bathroom and took off her dry diaper (that she had been wearing for about 60-75 minutes), and sat her on the potty... where she proceeded to do nothing. :p After a minute or so she said she was done, so I put her diaper back on. Who knows, she may yet train herself after all, and my year of worry will have been for nothing.

sigh

I wasn't really sure what to title this entry. I thought about "not feeling positive anymore." But I am positive about one thing... stress is eating me up. I've now lost my appetite and am just forcing myself to eat. I still haven't made any additional progress at all on my pre-baby to-do list. And that stuff NEEDS to be done, b/c I'm not a kangaroo who can just put her baby's development on pause until times are better.

And I'm still waiting for times to be better. It's been two weeks since Tim put all his eggs in the Pizza Hut basket, and that egg has not hatched yet. His former boss is under the impression that Tim quit without notice, but when Tim was working cleaning pools, his hours early on were such that he couldn't work at PH as well, and he told PH that he'd need to take some time off until things stabilized. Then when things DID stabilize in the pool business, he called PH to get back on the schedule, and was told that the position was filled.

He is going to meet w/ his former manager on Monday at 2:00 to discuss things. That store is the one that has a current opening. And if it doesn't work out, then the next opening at a different store wouldn't be until mid-September. I am hopeful, but VERY cautiously so, that the face-to-face meeting will clear up any misunderstandings and Tim will be able to work there again.

But even with Pizza Hut, even at the assistant manager level, it will not quite meet our monthly needs. And there have been no leads or searches or anything for a morning/early afternoon job for Tim.

Meanwhile, I've been applying to various transcription companies. The (general, not medical) transcription that I've been doing for over two years is with a company that has peaks and valleys, and even in the peaks, it only yields me $150/month. The valleys yield $0/month. So I'm looking for something that's a little more consistent over time. So far, I've found one that will bring in about $12/day. I am waiting to test and waiting on test results for a couple of other companies, and late next week (depending on how/when I hear from my pendings) I have another several that I can apply to.

And I have decided NOT to try to potty train Lydia. I've finished reading all my books, and decided that she's not ready. There are four areas of "readiness" and she's ready in three of them, but WAY behind in the physical area, so I'm waiting. I'm at the point where I'm going to ask about it at her 3-year visit, unless she "magically" trains herself before then.

an update of nothing

I haven't done anything on my to-do list yet, but will definitely be starting up on it next week as the transcription winds down. I've also set a date for my attempt to potty train Lydia -- August 31. I'll give it that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then if it doesn't work, she goes back into diapers until sometime this winter, after we've all adjusted to the new baby.

New baby is doing well. On Monday, I'll have just 7 weeks left until my due date. While it's still August, I still "feel" like I have two months left, but those months are getting shorter and shorter.

Hubby has quit his current job. He does not yet have a new one lined up. He quit yesterday, after he spoke with someone at Pizza Hut and they scheduled him for an interview this afternoon. He was THAT confident that he'd get a position. He feels that working at PH, he'll at least be bringing in SOME income, and he'll have more time during the day to job hunt and go to any interviews (of course, to do that, he first has to HAVE interviews) that come up. When he turned in his items at Reliant, they told him he was welcome back at any time.

So the interview came today, and he came home and told me that they would start him off as a driver, and would be a team leader after that, and a minimum of six months before he'd be an assistant manager. He also said that they told him there were several positions in the area, and they would need to look at the different stores to see where his best fit would be and would call him Wednesday. So I asked him if that means that he's definitely hired but they just need to find a spot for them, and he said that he hopes so. That answer did nothing helpful for my stress level. Wednesday seems so far away, especially with nothing going on Monday or Tuesday.

daily to-dos turn into weekly to-dos, and job stuff, and toddler cuteness

I had been doing a daily to-do list, and found it helpful initially, but now that transcription is picking up quite a bit, I've found that I don't have time to go through each day's whole list. So from here on out, I plan on making a weekly to-do list, including items that don't get crossed off, but instead are "as-needed" such as laundry and dishes. I will include in these weekly to-do lists items from my "big" list. Here's the original list, as a refresher:

- continue hoping and praying for Tim's job situation to get more stable before baby arrives
- pack up Lydia's outgrown clothes
- install infant carseat
- clean out corner of our bedroom where crib will go (includes going through craft stuff)
- move small bathroom cabinet into hallway
- move changing table into bathroom
- sew a bunch of newborn gowns
- dye some infant diapers
- move craft supplies into spot in Lydia's room that used to have the changing table
- move rocking chair into our bedroom
- move crib into our bedroom
- get bunk bed pieces from our friends' house
- assemble bunk bed for Lydia
- wash out chlorine buckets and cover with contact paper

Here's what I've completed:

- pack up Lydia's outgrown clothes
- clean out corner of our bedroom where crib will go (includes going through craft stuff)
- move small bathroom cabinet into hallway
- move changing table into bathroom
- dye some infant diapers
- move craft supplies into spot in Lydia's room that used to have the changing table
- move crib into our bedroom
- get bunk bed pieces from our friends' house
- assemble bunk bed for Lydia

And here's the new list, with a few things added, and sorted in order of priority:

- continue hoping and praying for Tim's job situation to get more stable before baby arrives
- finish working transcription peak season
- install infant carseat
- move rocking chair into our bedroom
- attempt to potty train Lydia
- sew a bunch of newborn gowns
- wash out chlorine buckets
- transfer play food crochet patterns from chicken-scratch notebooks into a nice printout from the computer
- make one of each play food item and take pictures and put on Facebook fan page
- cover chlorine buckets with contact paper

I'm sure there are a few things that I'm forgetting. And I don't know if all of this will be done before the baby arrives, but that is my goal. Everything after "wash out chlorine buckets" is a low-ish priority, and it would be wonderful if it were done before baby comes, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if it wasn't.

Regarding potty training Lydia, I am continuing my research and mentioning things to her. One of the things I'm trying to get her to understand is whether her diaper is dry or wet (we use cloth diapers w/o a cover at home, so it's easy for me to have her check). Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to "get it" yet. I'm hopeful that she will realize the difference between wet and dry sometime before we do the potty training in a couple of weeks. I don't understand what's different about her diaper, b/c she totally knows the difference between many other things that are wet/dry. I am thinking that I will pass on the 3-day method that I mentioned in an earlier entry, and instead use the method outlined in this book instead. The latter method is a little more involved on the parent's part than the 3-day method is. I am still keeping the "three days" though in that that is how much time I will devote to it right now, and if it doesn't work by then, it's back into diapers she goes until sometime this winter, when we'll give it another try.

Hubby has had a few tiny leads for a new job. I'm cautiously hopeful, but interviews haven't even been scheduled yet and it's not even a guarantee that those will happen. But he has made more contact w/ a few places besides just the initial application, so that is encouraging.

Lydia received a bag of hand me down clothes the other day. I hadn't told her what was in the bag, but she explored it anyway and unloaded the contents onto the floor. Then she tried on random pieces. At one point, she stood right in the middle of the pile and looked around and said, "hmmmmm...... I need a..... hmmm... I need a jackiet!" And she grabbed a "jacket" and put it on. (Really it was an airy crocheted shirt that goes over another shirt).


She also ate a raw biscuit the other day. I was baking a can of them, and had lined them up on the baking tray, then turned around to wash my hands before sticking them in the oven. When I turned back around, a biscuit was missing. Lydia had run off with it and taken a bite. And she must have liked it, because when it was swallowed, she asked for another one.

The transition to the big girl bed is going well. I've shortened her nap from 3 hours to 2 hours, and I think that is helping. For the first several days, she would get up early and open her dresser and unload all the clothes, and I scolded her for that. I think it's finally sinking in that I don't want her to do that, though, because of what she said the other night when I put her to bed. I was giving her the bedtime instructions ("Ok climb into bed, pull up your covers, give me a hug and kiss") and she added her own and said, "and do NOT get up and get the clothes out." She was so serious when she said it, too. It's hard to not laugh. :)

work, work, work

So far, hubby's work has not picked up very much. He is still on the job hunt. He went to an "informational meeting" this morning and if this company is going to call him for an interview, it won't be until Friday at 5:00 pm. Meanwhile, he is still applying at lots of random places, and continuing with Reliant.

My work is starting to pick up, though. I still have the financial transcription that I do quarterly, and last week started four weeks of "peak." I am also attempting to jump-start my play food again by offering several weekly free-for-shipping drawings of up to $12/worth of food. I even made a Facebook fan page for it (a work in progress... eventually I will have on there a picture of everything I offer). And so far, the drawings seem to be working, because I have a "real" order that I'm soon to start. (I also have a few orders that I'm going to trade for things.) I also might be able to be a nanny next month for a family, until their day care spot opens up.

I intended to do attempt an intensive few days of potty training with Lydia last week, but will have to put it off for a few more weeks because of the transcription. Meanwhile, though, I am continuing to read my library books on the matter, and am starting to introduce a few concepts to her here and there, to gradually expose her to what we'll be doing with more effort in a few weeks. I'm picking points from several different methods, and will give the training effort three full days of undivided attention, and if it's not completed by then (or very nearly so) then I have no qualms about putting her back in diapers until well after the baby comes. But, if she is ready and just needs a little push, I want to give her that little push, so that I'm not forever asking myself "what if?"

yay for nesting

I don't have the "urge" to nest, but with only 65 to 93 days to go, I finally got on it. The most daunting task on the list was, by far, cleaning out the corner of our bedroom where the crib will go. I had a few totes right next to the wall that held mostly fabric and also a few other miscellaneous craft things, then in front of that was just a huge PILE of lost pajamas and hand me down clothes and pillows and a slip that I had been missing forever that I finally found on the Very Bottom of the pile. I did a ton yesterday to clean out that pile and put everything in its appropriate place, and was really happy with my progress. Today, I plan on inventorying my fabric. I want to sew a few more nursing dresses, and it'll be easier to plan my projects if I have a list of what fabrics I have, and if they're knit or woven, and how much of them I have.

I've also been still thinking about potty training. I've heard that a lot of people had success with the 3-day method, and someone shared their copy with me, so I am going to try it out. I originally was going to try it out next week, on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday, but forgot that my seasonal transcription job starts up at that time, so I wouldn't be able to give potty training the attention it needs. But sometime after August 20th, I may give it a try. I don't really have very high expectations going into this, since I've also heard that this method did NOT work for a bunch of people, but as I sit here and wait for Lydia to "train herself," I can't help but wonder if she doesn't need a little push-start. If I don't do this, then I will be forever wondering "what if," so I just need to do it and get it out of my system.

Hubby is still on the job hunt, with no real prospects yet. This week has not been a good one for him at his current job. He had 4 days in a row of zero sales (and therefore zero income), and on the 5th day the streak was broken... but with only one sale. And even the sales that he does might not "count" since the people have three business days to cancel, and if they cancel, then he doesn't get credit for it. This wouldn't be so bad, but it adds to the uncertainty, because we don't know if any cancellations happen until his pay statement is run, 3 weeks later. I am really hoping and praying that something stable comes along before this baby does. Stress and the postpartum period just do not get along very well.

the to-do list continues

Maybe if I write it all down instead of just keeping it in my head, I'll have a better chance of getting at least some of it done before the baby comes. I HAVE been using a daily to-do list, using the night before to write down things to do the next day, and that has been helping some, but there's still usually one item from each day that gets carried over to the next day. Anyway, here's the big items that need to be done before the baby comes, in no particular order.

- continue hoping and praying for Tim's job situation to get more stable before baby arrives
- pack up Lydia's outgrown clothes
- install infant carseat
- clean out corner of our bedroom where crib will go (includes going through craft stuff)
- move small bathroom cabinet into hallway
- move changing table into bathroom
- sew a bunch of newborn gowns
- dye some infant diapers
- move craft supplies into spot in Lydia's room that used to have the changing table
- move rocking chair into our bedroom
- move crib into our bedroom
- get bunk bed pieces from our friends' house
- assemble bunk bed for Lydia
- wash out chlorine buckets and cover with contact paper

It's a daunting list, but nothing insurmountable. I don't have any more out of town trips planned, and my play food business is at a pretty slow time right now. The chlorine buckets will be my diaper pails. Maybe just one of them, I haven't decided yet. We use cloth diapers, and the diaper pail we use now is itty bitty and only fits just over half a days' worth of diapers in it, and that's just not going to work when we have two in diapers, so I'm getting a bigger pail.

And about the two in diapers... it's inevitable. I am continuing to think about potty training, not in a stressful way, but more in a "research" way. I checked out several books from the library the other day and have started reading them. I first opened up most of them to the "readiness" section and realized that Lydia is NOT ready for potty training yet, as much as I was hoping that maybe she'd be ready for at least one of the methods. She never wakes up dry, even if I withhold her fluids. She always says that her diaper is dry, no matter what its actual condition is. She doesn't notice or care that her peers are potty training. She's not dry for hours at a time. She's just plain not ready. So much for the "rules" that girls train sooner/faster/easier than boys, and that cloth diapers make for earlier/faster training. But, when she is ready, I'm hopeful that it will be a quick and easy process.

The pregnancy is still going fine. I'm down to 12 weeks left, and feeling very uncomfortable already. I'm already so big that I have trouble breathing, and Braxton Hicks just will not leave me alone. There are some times where as soon as I do any activity at all, even walking the 10 steps to the bathroom, I will get hit w/ a BH contraction. They're not painful, but they've gotten to the annoying point, mostly b/c of their randomness. I won't be sorry to leave those behind. I WILL be sorry to leave the kicks behind, though. I keep feeling elbows and knees and feet and playing with them already. So much fun. :)

three big stressful waits

I really am surprised that I haven't pulled myself into two pieces from the stress I've been feeling lately. It just seems to keep piling and piling and then when the tiniest bit of relief thinks about being seen, it all of a sudden vanishes and the pile continues to grow anyway. I know I just need to let things go and rely on the Lord to take care of them all. I KNOW this. But it's hard. Nearly impossible. I have always been a planner and "need" to know the whens, whys and hows. I can't just let it sit inside me, though, so every so often I need to write about it. Writing helps me, just a tiny bit, to keep from going to pieces.

I mentioned on Facebook that I have three major "wait for its" right now: the coming baby, potty training for Lydia, and a stable job for hubby. Each item on its own would be stressful enough, but combined, they are a mountain of which I cannot see the top. I pray, I try to be peaceful, I try to be supportive where necessary, I try to think positive... and then I just end up in silent tears at night anyway.

To keep this post from being too much of a downer, I will also do a "count your blessings" thing towards the end. Because really, it could be worse.

Of the three, I think the most stressful to me right now is Tim's job situation. Ever since we moved to Dallas two years ago, it has been inconsistent and unstable and come & go. Right now, he is in a commission-only, independent contractor position. He's been there for about 2 weeks, and it is starting off very VERY slowly. We need about 10 sales/week to just barely make ends meet, and his first two weeks had 6 sales and 4 sales, respectively. He's in the middle of his third week and has only had 5 sales in it, with the two slowest days of the week yet to come. The hours that he currently works make it impossible to get a second job and nearly as hard to have any bit of time at all to look for a different job. I can't work right now since I'd just have to turn around and quit in a few months (besides, Tim doesn't want me to work anyway). It is massively hard to live hopeful and positive day by day not knowing until bedtime if any sales have been made, and then being crushed when the daily total is 1 or even 0.

The second-highest stressor is potty training. This situation could be an entire blog in itself (not an entire post, but an entire blog, lol), so I will try to keep it brief. It started when Mom said that me and my two younger sisters were all potty trained by 18 months. It continued this past week when they were talking about a friend of my nephew's who is nearly 4 and is "not potty trained at all" and the tone of voice they used when discussing that. Then here at home, I read things where this one's child just magically trained themselves overnight one night. That is the most common thing I read. And it is usually with a child who is younger than Lydia. I read tips and signs of readiness and give a half-hearted try, and fail, and just do nothing for a few months. Then I start to think about it again and the stress roller coaster reaches a peak and we try again, and fail again, and I have thoughts of just keeping her in diapers forever since she "obviously" won't be one of those children who just trains themselves overnight. Every time I talk about it to people, they tell me that she's "only" such-and-such an age, and just give it time. So I give it time, and nothing that I can see changes in her development in that time. I talk about it again, and they tell me again that she's "only" such-and-such an age. But then I see or hear of multiple children her same age or even younger than she is who ARE potty trained, and I get discouraged again.

The least stressful of my "big three" is the pregnancy. I wonder if I'll be able to get everything ready in time, or how the baby and Lydia will get along, or what type of personality he/she will have, or if I'll be able to be a good mom to two (since sometimes I wonder if I'm even a good mom to one). I wonder how my labor will be and if my support people will be able to make it here in time to help care for Lydia. I wonder if I'll be early or will go overdue or will deliver at just the right time. All of these things are "normal worries" for pregnancy, and they would be fine on their own, but they are just more dirt on the mountain when combined with the other two.

There, now that my feelings are "out there" I can count my blessings.

1. I have a husband who loves God and me and our daughter and our unborn child.
2. We have an awesome supportive church family who would do anything for us.
3. We have our health.
4. We have a roof over our heads (with a/c even).
5. We're not starving.
6. All of our parents are still alive.
7. I had no trouble getting pregnant either time.
8. My pregnancy is "boringly normal."
9. God loves me and WILL take care of us, in HIS time.