still feeling a little blah

I'm feeling a little better today but still a little sad. I keep having these random fleeting thoughts that a baby might not ever grow inside of me. I try to push them away as soon as they get in, but it only takes a split second for me to almost get teary-eyed. Maybe it's because I'm in my period that I'm extra-sad right now. Or maybe I just need to let it all out and have myself a good snot-dripping, blurry-eyed, can't-catch-my-breath-at-the-end CRY, ya know? Not because I'm sad that our first attempt at a baby failed, but because sometimes you JUST NEED TO CRY. I can't remember the last time I've had a good cry like that. Probably while reading a book. LOL

I need to stop procrastinating, though. I have a TON of big and little projects that I'm working on and today is my last full day off for a while. One of the bigger projects (which includes a few little miniature projects) really should be done before we get pregnant. That project is my website, and the mini-projects are getting the wording right for each page, making some sample crafts to display on it, etc. As soon as I get off here and finish my tiny lunch then I will start up on that. Now if I can just find where I put my motivation... Oh yes, there it is... buried under my to-do list. :)

early frustrations with the conceiving process

Today I am on to a new cycle. Even though in this past cycle, hubby and I weren't "officially" trying for a baby yet (we originally planned to start next month), I can't help but feel a little sad that I'm not pregnant now. I am VERY early in this whole process, having only gone through one cycle, and if it was just that fact in a vaccuum then I would be OK. But I have a good friend at church who is expecting her second baby and they will be 11 months apart. My sister is expecting a baby and is due this summer. I wanted to be pregnant with her so we could share stories and weight gains and things like that. Mom tells me that this is going to be my sister's last baby, so that means that my YOUNGER sister's family will be complete before I even start mine. It makes me just want to sit and cry. Deep down I know it's a good thing that we're not pregnant right now because we would have had a bit of a hard time money-wise, but this extra month or two will help us out tremendously.

But I'm still sad. It is sortof hitting me that I might not be a mom in 2006 even. I know that statistically there is only a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant in any one cycle, but I really wanted to be part of that minority THIS time. I didn't want to have to try month after month after month. I even tested this morning, literally seconds before my period came. I ordered a few more tests online so I'd have them for next cycle, but I am not even going to THINK about looking at them this time until 13 days past ovulation. I am so bummed right now. Good thing I have a bunch of errands and things to do to keep my mind off of it a little.

is it january yet?

We had to take our cats to the vet yesterday, just for their routine annual shots. This was a new vet that they hadn't been to... and with the shots they had to do a "pre-vaccination" evaluation (basically a physical). Well I didn't know that they would be taking their temperature for that! Neither cat had had their temp taken before. Tuxedo allowed them to do it with very little complaining, but Rainy threw a FIT. Then after that she hid under the little chair for the rest of the time and would NOT be put back up on the table for ANYTHING. To give her the shots, we had her go into her carrier (which she did with no trouble) and then the vet and his technician just took the whole carrier to the back to give her the shots. They came back only moments later and said she did good and that they just gave her the shots through the carrier. And of course, once they were home and back in familiar surroundings, both cats were happy and purring like they hadn't been on a little road trip at all.

As for asking if it's January, I finally did ovulate around Sunday, so I'm now in my "official" first two week wait. Back on the 9th and for a couple of days after that, every time hubby and I were alone together I would ask him "What if I get pregnant???" and he would smile and say "Then we'll have a baby" pretty calmly. But I didn't want to obsess over the whole thing so after a few days I stopped talking about it so much. Hubby hasn't brought it up very much either. He gets to preach a little sermon on Sunday night the 1st, and I don't want to spring the knowlege of a pregnancy on him before then and make him too nervous for his speech, so I'm going to TRY to hold off testing until the 2nd. But I'm only 3 DPO (days past ovulation) right now, and the 2nd seems like a long way away... so we'll have to see how I feel late next week. :P I do already have a small stash of pregnancy tests ready and waiting in my bathroom cabinet... I bought them when I bought my basal thermometer to make my order total high enough to have free shipping. LOL.

I'm not really expecting to get pregnant right away with the first cycle trying since statistically there is only a 15-20% chance, but if two lines DO show up then it would be a very nice surprise. :)

new additions, new website, new life plan

Well, on Monday we got two new additions to our house that I am so happy about... a washer and dryer. LOL. After they were delivered and set up, I gave the washer a hug, and the dryer a hug, and then hubby a hug. I'm so glad I don't have to pack it all up and leave the house to do my laundry now. The cats did NOT like the new appliances at ALL, but they are getting used to them now.

I am going to have a new website soon! I hope to have it up around the first of the year. I'm trying to work on it a little each day and I do feel that I'm making progress on it, even though I don't have anything tangible to show for it. This web design thing is all new to me, not to mention DNS and domain name registration and all that. But I am gradually getting the hang of it.

Now as for our new life plan, hubby and I weren't going to try to have children until next month, but my cycles have been long and wacky, so on Saturday morning we sortof decided to go ahead and start trying right then. I thought I would ovulate that day based on my fertility signs, but that still hasn't happened yet. Day 34 today. Still waiting for my 2 week wait.

now remind me why i don't have cable again

With the in-laws visiting over the weekend, we "splurged" and rented a few movies from the local video place. One of them were two movies from Lifetime TV. One was called "Too Young to be a Father" and the other was "Mom at Sixteen". As you can probably tell from the titles, both movies dealt with the issues surrounding teenage parenthood. Both movies brought me to tears. If I'm this hormonal while wanting-a-baby-but-waiting, how much more will my moods be swinging when/if I actually DO get pregnant? I will probably cry at used car commercials. That would be funny. If I did that then hubby would laugh at me for sure. Hubby watched most of the second one with me and it made him almost cry and want a baby so bad too. I really do miss Lifetime TV but I don't miss the high cable bill each month.

On a good note, my left eye has been behaving today. Well only for a little bit. But at one point I closed my right eye but I could still see clearly all the way down the street. So hopefully the 17 Jan 2006 eye appointment will go Ok after all and they won't schedule me for an enhancement.

We finally ate up the rest of the leftover turkey today. Now I have to go shopping tomorrow. I should be getting the Christmas gifts tomorrow too so I can get those wrapped. I did get a lot of addresses written on Christmas cards today though.

Jobs are still going fine and I am also going to take the plunge and sign up for the Greeting Cake Company. I'm also going to get a website (make it pretty basic at first) so I can also sell maybe little jewelries or crafty things or something. Just a little extra to help pad the budget when/if I am a stay at home mom.

two months until b-day

Today is November 25th, day after Thanksgiving here in the US. Hope yours was warm and cozy and filling. It's two months until B-day, which is hubby's birthday... but the B could also stand for Baby. Depending on what happens on 1/17/05, the 25th might be a very good time to start trying for a baby. I mentioned in my last post that we have to wait until after that day... especially since my left eye is being a little weird. I hope it gets better by the time January comes so I won't need an enhancement. It's not TOO bad right now, but if I look through just my left eye, I definitely notice a tiny bit of fuzzy astigmatism. It's nothing I would mind living with for the rest of my life if it doesn't get any worse, but I don't know how worse it is right now.

But anyway. I finally told Mom that I don't work at the payday loan place anymore. She asked me why and I gave her the same reasons I gave my old coworker... that I hated putting people in debt (and mom was like "well THEY are putting themselves in debt"... I didn't get into it with her to try and explain that part of my job function was calling the people who don't currently have a loan out with us and asking them if they "needed any help" right then), and that I didn't want to do triple the work anymore, etc etc etc. And I told her that I am a waitress now, and I told her about the work at home thing. She took the whole news better than I thought she would. Just was saying things like I am so smart and should have been using my pharmacy tech certificate (that I let expire in July... she was a little upset about that too... but it's not like I'm using it... even when I first got it I applied to every single pharmacy in the city and nobody hired me... but anyway) and that I'm too smart to be waitressing, etc. But I explained to her that it is a means to an end since I will not be working once we have children. Then she started saying that I am getting old for children. Which I may be, but women today are having healthy children in their late 30's. (Not that I'm going to plan on waiting that long though).

I spoke to hubby. He is up with the extended family and all the children of his cousins. And he got to of course hold the tiny less-than-a-week old baby. While I was talking to him, his mom was in the background saying that she made me cookies. I asked her (through hubby) if she was trying to make me fat. She said no and that she wanted me to get fat a different way. :) So I asked hubby if she wanted HIM to make me fat. :P Getting "fat" because of a growing baby would be very nice indeed. Until I can't fit behind the steering wheel of my car. LOL. But that is a long time coming. Hubby even realizes that it might not happen on the first try. We would be sad of course but we would just keep going and try again the next month, and so on.

baby fever soon to be at an all time high

Since I am now working at a restaurant that is open 24/7/365 (including holidays), and working on the holiday is mandatory, I am not able to go up to Kansas for Thanksgiving this year to see Tim's family. (I wouldn't have been able to had I stayed at my old job either though). So Tim is going up by himself. He told me the other day that one of his cousins is pregnant with her third baby. Another cousin's wife is having her baby on Tuesday and supposed to go home on Thursday. He will likely be able to see and hold that tiny new baby while he is up there. And he told me that he will come home and want SO BADLY to make a baby with me. He already has baby fever so bad right now... I don't know how it could possibly get worse. LOL. Hopefully the fever won't reach its true peak until late January. We need to still wait at least until then b/c my last LASIK followup appointment is on the 17th and I don't want a pregnancy to interfere with that. But my job is going great. :) The home job is going fine too. I just have to be diligent at both of them. Right now they are only scheduling me about 4 days at work which is good and bad... good because it gives me more time to do my home work, but bad because I need that "guaranteed" money. But so far I've been able to pick up a few extra shifts here and there and at other stores to help fix it up a little. And hopefully we'll have a baby by this time next year so I won't have to work Thankgiving next year. :P

would you like cheese on your hashbrowns?

That is the question that I now ask several times a day. Except it's not "with cheese". It's "covered". I did start my new waitressing job on Tuesday and spent most of the day watching videos of procedural things. I took my training book home and was instructed to read the few "yellow" pages in it, but I found the book so interesting that I went ahead and read the rest of it. LOL. It showed me a little of how to write up tickets and how to call in orders. On Wednesday, I shadowed my trainer all day (morning shift) and she also showed me how to call in tickets and write them up. Then she would have me call in tickets that she wrote up and after I called the order in, she would tell the grill operator "and I'm not even telling her what to say!". She was very impressed with me. She said that in the 11 years that she's worked there, only 2 other people have caught on as fast as I have. Also on Wednesday they let the other new girl go... she just wasn't working out. I think she had been there about a week before I started. When I left on Wednesday my trainer told me that she thought I would be ready for my own tables sometime on Thursday (which was good because as soon as I had my "own" tables, I could start keeping the tips). And sure enough, I was. Yesterday I followed her for only about an hour and then she went ahead and had me clock out and back in (so she could change my pay later at that time from training pay to waitress pay) and the rest of the day I had my own tables and my own tips. :)

I still have a LOT of things to learn though... like the advertised special on a big sign right outside of our restaurant... I keep forgetting about that and charging customers too much (66 cents). And my trainer gives me mini-coachings every day for something to work on... today she said I looked like I was concentrating too much and I need to smile more. :) AND I need to keep working on the prices. I'm remembering some of them but others are going to take me some time. But overall I am very much enjoying it. My coworkers are all very nice and friendly. The smoke isn't bad. I "tested" it by smelling my work clothes the next day, and they don't smell smoky or anything. Oh and I met the owner today too. He asked what day I started and I told him Tuesday. Then a bit later he asked if my trainer was going to send home some practice tickets to call in. I told him that I was sortof out of training already. LOL. So he gives me a fake order to see how I would call it in, and I forgot 2 small things. But it's all good. :)

Now, how is this new job going to affect when hubby and I try for a baby? I don't know. It will be a couple of months before I really see how this plus the home job is going to work out w/ regard to getting out of debt, etc. We should still be able to start trying in April at the very very latest, and could possibly start in January at the earliest. If we start trying in January, and my post-pill cycles stay as long as they have been (this most recent one was 53 days)... then I could be at the beginning of my last avoiding cycle. It is a scary thought. But exciting at the same time. :)

the job saga continues

Wow. When was my last entry? Two weeks ago. Wow. Time to catch up, LOL.

A week ago Monday I had an interview, but it wasn't for the call center. It was for a national breakfast restaurant chain, to be a waitress there. They hired me. I start on November 8th. I am so excited. The only thing is that it is a little restaurant and pretty much the whole place is smoking except for 3 booths on one end of it, but it is VERY well ventilated (when I went to fill out my application, one of the waitresses sat down RIGHT next to me to take a smoke break, and I didn't even notice that she was smoking until she said something to me and I turned to her to reply.) I think it will be something that I enjoy. My shift will be afternoon and evening, but I get Sundays and Wednesdays off for church. I would be getting waitress pay 2.13/hour plus tips, but I would work at a slow time during the day, and based on the estimate my interviewer told me, I would be taking a pay cut to go there. But... the restaurant is RIGHT across the street from me so I don't even have to drive, so I will save a lot on gas. AND... with the evening hours, etc then I can have more "prime time" for LiveOps so I can work when that job is busy, too. I am excited. :)

My second cycle off the pill is being very long. If I wasn't charting, I'd think I was about 4 weeks pregnant, LOL. I am on day 44 and just now today I had a temp shift that could potentially indicate that I ovulated yesterday. Hopefully my temperature will stay high over the next few days to confirm this.

Oh, and one more possible work at home thing. I might be able to get into medical transcription, too. The girl that I was e-mailing about LiveOps wants to help me get into transcription through the clinic that she works with. And I can also do THAT when I stay at home, too... and I can do the transcription with a noisy background (baby talking, cats meowing, etc) unlike LiveOps which needs silence. Only time will tell how any of these opportunities will work out, but I am hopeful and praying. :)

moving on to step two in working at home... plus a lead on a day job

I had my call this morning and it was fairly informative. I had been talking to people and e-mailing one person in particular about this, though, and I pretty much already knew most of the things in the conference call. I went ahead and downloaded my papers and sent them priority mail today so that I might be able to start my training on Monday evening. Hopefully I can finish by next weekend so I can start taking calls. :) I can't wait.

As for the lead on a different day job, one of my current customers said that where she works is hiring... and she works in a very busy call center for a health insurance company. I tried to call HR this morning for that but only got their voice mail. I will have to try again on Monday. Working there instead of where I'm at would be great. My current job pays the bills and all but I don't like getting people in debt so I can take home a paycheck to get out of it. :(

Spoke to Mom today. Nephew "I" is now saying "scuze you" when people cough, and covering their mouth with his hand. So cute. :) Can't wait until my as-yet-unconceived children do cute things. :)