work already knows that i won't be back afterwards

Well for a couple of weeks, every now and then, work has been asking me about my maternity leave and I've been trying to give vague answers so that they won't get the idea that I won't be coming back and decide to just go ahead and let me start my maternity leave before I'm even showing or feeling the baby move or anything.

But this morning, the guy I open with asked me a question DIRECTLY related to staying at home for good after the baby comes, and followed it up with "I know you're not coming back and so does [our boss]." It was said in a good-natured tone so I answered him and we talked about it a little more. I asked him if our boss was mad or anything that I wouldn't be coming back and he said no, so that is a big relief for me. Now I can just keep on going and not have to worry about when I'm going to tell them that I'm not coming back.

Speaking of work, YAY I have a long weekend now. :D I think this will be the first time in my entire working life where the office I work in is actually CLOSED on Memorial Day. And with the wedding earlier this month (which went fine, the dress turned out great and the bride was beautiful and the groom was nervous and everyone ended up happy at the end of the day), this weekend coming up is my first weekend in a long time where there's not a big "something" to do (either work or go out of town or something). So I plan to use it to catch up on some sewing. Especially since I'm finally feeling better. i have piles and piles of fabric just screaming at me to be made into fabulous garments. And hubby will be working on most of the days so I'll have to find SOMEthing to keep myself busy. Sewing will fit that bill nicely.

starting to sink in more after hearing the heartbeat

Wow.

Is there really any other word besides that to describe the feeling you have when you hear your own unborn baby's heartbeat for the first time?

No, I don't think there is, so I'll say it again.

Wow. :)

Ok now that I've gotten that out of my system, here is the long story. :) Our long-awaited second prenatal appointment finally happened yesterday. We get to the place and I miss the turn *again* and have to double back. I told hubby that when we get to our weekly appointments then I will remember where to turn. We go inside and check in and the receptionist sends me to the lab to give my regular specimen. Hubby wanted to come with me but I made him wait out in the lobby. When I got back he was pretending to be asleep. Poor thing is entering his busy season and was so tired. He tried to scare me when he "woke up" but I didn't go for it. :P

We get called back pretty quickly and the medical assistant takes my weight and blood pressure (I've gained 5 lbs according to the scale but think I'm just having a "fat week" because for these last 4 weeks I was at the exact same weight except for 3 days ago.). BP was 118/71 or so. The doctor came in pretty quickly and went over my normal-to-the-point-of-boring lab results and asked if I had any questions and briefly mentioned the optional quad-screen test that would be coming up probably the appointment after next.

We had gotten to see our baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound 3 weeks ago, and I was expecting to eventually also hear it via doppler. I had read things online that said it is easiest to hear the heartbeat after 12 weeks so I wasn't even expecting her to try and listen to it today, but she did. :) There was a doppler and gel and everything right there in the room ready. Before she got started she said that if she couldn't hear it that we could go over to the ultrasound and take a peek. :) She put the want on my belly and kept finding my pulse at first and saying "That's you..... that's you again..... that's still you......" then there was a bit longer pause and she found the baby's quieter, faster heartbeat. :D It was so amazing. I am so in love with this tiny child already.

On the way home, hubby kept saying, "You have something alive growing inside you." lol. Later that evening I said to him that maybe I am pregnant after all, but I want to take one more home pregnancy test to make sure. He of course knew I was joking though. My coworkers were teasing me though saying that it might not be the baby's heartbeat, it might be my stomach growling. lol. I told them that my stomach had never growled so rhythmically before. :P

27 more days until my next appointment and hopefully my morning sickness will be gone by then. It's not too bad but just bad enough to make me want it to hurry up and be over. And at least it's very mild, I have that to be thankful for. Anyway that is about all for now. I'll try to update this thing more regularly. :P

tired all the time but the chores don't go away

These past couple of weeks I have been SO sleepy. I am trying to take little naps in the afternoon b/c hubby doesn't get home until around 7:45 usually, but then I have to go to bed around 9:00 or 9:15 to get up way early for my work. Very much looking forward to the day that I don't have to work outside the home anymore. :) And that day may come sooner than expected. Our debts are going to be entirely paid off by the end of October. Hubby's work is going very well and it's possible that we may get the chance to move sometime before the end of the year. I don't know how we'll handle that with a baby on the way but we'll have to see. Depending on where we end up, we may be able to afford me quitting my job earlier.

But there's not even really anything on the plate or anything at this point. I'm just going to sit it out through the summer and then see where we are. When we first moved here, the then district manager told us that we'd be here for at least two years, and those two years won't be up until next May.

I got another box of maternity clothes in the mail yesterday. :D I'm so excited. This one has a whole bunch of dresses and a very cute jumper and several long-sleeve tops and even a maternity coat! Now I don't feel so much pressure to sew right away... which is a good thing because that is one of the "chores" that I don't have the energy for.

I'm slowly getting to the mindset that in December we really will be having a baby. I'm still not really having any symptoms and don't have any weight gain or "showing" yet, but I've seen a sonogram pic of a woman who is just a couple of weeks ahead of me. My sonogram was just a dot, but hers has a head and arms and everything. I think that when we have our next ultrasound it will be ultra-real to us. My next appointment is next week and I'm looking forward to it.

this whole thing still does not feel real

This whole thing still does not feel real to me. I try to picture in my head that in December I will no longer be working outside the home, and I will have a tiny little being dependent on me. The other night at church a new first-time dad of a 3 month old daughter told me that this pregnancy will just fly by... and it scared me! I'm not ready yet. We don't have a crib or a name or anything. I'm still sewing maternity clothes and need some time to finish THOSE up. lol. Even after going to the doctor last week it still feels like all of a sudden one day I may wake up and find that I've dreamed this whole thing after all.

I'm still not having any "big" symptoms. I have had a few tiny bouts of vomiting, and I have little mini-waves of nausea that come every so often, and hubby says my bosom looks larger (I can't tell a difference myself yet though), but all these things are so small. I keep telling people that I want to hurry up and have a little belly so I can feel more pregnant. I want to feel the child kick and poke at me. I want to see my stomach contort into all kinds of weird shapes as the youngling inside me moves around to get comfy (but not TOO comfy... little one, I want you OUT when it's time... lol).

But for now I have to wait. For now it is still fun to walk around the grocery store and see a mama with a belly much more advanced than mine and smile a little secret smile to myself. For now it is comforting to rub my "belly" even though what I'm really probably rubbing is intestines instead of a baby. :) For now I will try to be patient and wait and dream and plan.

feeling unprepared and insecure

I'm still pregnant. I did take a bunch more tests on Sunday and Monday, managed to keep my willpower and skip Tuesday, then took another test on Wednesday. I will probably take one more on Saturday too (and the other digital since when I took the first digital I forgot to take a scrapbook picture of it, lol) and then taper off to twice a week until I start getting symptoms. I still don't have any. I am a little tired today but I don't know if it's the baby or if it's because the weekend lack of sleep is finally catching up with me.

But anyway, on to the topic. For close to 10 years now I have been reading and learning and talking and studying about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. I have yearned for the day to finally get here when I would be expecting a baby. But even though I spent ALL that time preparing, I feel so UNprepared now for some reason. I still have pretty much my whole pregnancy to go through but I just feel like it's going to FLY by and we will birth this baby with nothing for it (no crib, clothes, etc). lol. It's kindof weird... because in the past I would read a pregnancy book or whatever and be thinking to myself "that is so cool how a baby develops" or "I can't wait until I'm pregnant so I can start getting a big tummy" etc. But now I read those same books and it's very hard to shift thoughts to "wow that is happening inside ME right now" and "in just a few weeks THIS will be happening" etc.

And, I'm SO nervous about being a stay at home mom. It will be wonderful for us, but I've been working for 12 years. It is going to be a huge adjustment. I know that I will love it but I'm still in the nervous stage right now. Everything will work out though. I do have confidence in that at least. And I am very thankful to God for this blessing He has given us.

despite all odds, we are having a baby!

I did finish the bridesmaid's dress. Well I finished the machine portion of it. I still have to hand-sew the hem, lining, and hook/eye. But that is no big deal... I just have to DO it. And I also finished the curtains and had a GREAT night's sleep the first night they were installed. :) Unfortunately, they will not work for Lunaception though at this time.

Despite all odds and a really bad-looking chart this time, I did end up pregnant. I started wearing a pad on Wednesday in anticipation of my period coming any day the last half of this week. When it got to be Friday night and Saturday morning and my period hadn't arrived yet, I was confused but was enjoying my nice long luteal phase (after having a few 8 and 9 day luteal phases before this cycle). The in-laws were in town and Saturday afternoon I was able to sneak a quick test just before lunch. I went back after eating (probably about 9-11 minutes later) just to confirm that it "developed" into a negative test so I could keep on waiting for my period. I picked it up and was VERY shocked and surprised to see a second line. Then I put it down. I said "no way." I picked it up again and looked at it in disbelief. I smiled to myself and started to get a tiny bit excited. I put it down and went back into the living room w/ the in-laws and kept a secret.

I wasn't for sure if the second line was a "real" line or just an evaporation line though. It was pink, but it was likely read after the time limit. I waited 4 hours and tested again. I also tested with water just so I could see what a real negative would look like. Then I tested again 4 hours after that and 4 hours after that. (Gotta love insomnia lol... the last test was at about 2:00 am). All tests except the water one are positive. i'm still in a bit of surprise because I have been having NO symptoms at all. No nausea, no sore boobs, no hunger, no fatigue, etc. The only thing possibly different is that the past two mornings I've woken up a little warmer than usual. And of course the period that never showed up.

Hubby is SO excited. He keeps telling me, "You're going to be a mommy" or "I'm going to be a daddy" and wondering when we should tell people. I still want to live in the newness of this all before we start telling the world though.

trying lunaception next time

I think I finally ovulated this past Saturday. But, unless hubby's sperm are going to live 3 days (one of which was internally dry), our chances of conceiving this cycle are nil. And I'm really OK with that. It's kind of weird how in the past I notice that I get all despairing about my cycles thinking I'm NEVER going to ovulate and lamenting about that... then a few days later I get my temp shift.

Anyway. I am excited about moving on to the next cycle because I'm going to try Lunaception. Our bedroom is fairly bright at night, and in the past before artificial lights came into being, women's cycles would line up with the moon... they would ovulate at the full moon and menstruate at the new moon. I've been off the pill for well over 7 months now, and the package insert said that if I missed 2 or 3 pills (depending on when in my cycle I missed them) that I could get pregnant. Since it was necessary to take them every day to keep the hormone levels up, I have no doubt that after 210 days the artificial hormones aren't in my body anymore. And since I have apparently ovulated (albeit late most times) with every cycle, I know that my body knows what to do... but I wonder if the light in our bedroom is confusing my body and basically telling it that it's a full moon all the time. I'm making some nice dark curtains and hopefully will have them installed by next Thursday.

In other news, no credit card at this time for hubby. And the bridesmaid's dress is still being worked on. I hope to possibly finish it today.

keeping negative feelings at bay

Well it is now day 20 of my cycle and I am still waiting to ovulate. I was hoping that I would ovulate at least by Friday so that we would have a chance of getting pregnant, a chance of being far enough along to find out on the 31st, and a chance of being able to tell his parents (they live out of town) in person that we were expecting. But it doesn't look like this is going to happen. I'm ok with it, though, because I'll be seeing them in person at the beginning of May so if (all my if's are in a big, bold, loud font) I get pregnant before then, then I can still tell them in person. I'm in a wedding in early May so I would need to wait until after the wedding to not take away from the bride's big day.

I am still trying very hard to keep a positive outlook on this. I know there are lots of women out there who got pregnant with a very late ovulation but I don't think it will be me. What's really sad is how I am almost counting this cycle out when I haven't even ovulated yet. Someone out there help me keep hoping. I do get a little sadder as each cycle goes by, but I'm just hoping that the happy/sad ratio will stay more towards the happy side.

And really, now that this trying to conceive has been going on for a few months now, I am ok with not being pregnant already. I mean, if we got PG on our first try, then I would have been around 15 weeks pregnant now. Maybe not enough to be showing, but the time would be coming JUST around the corner... and I am a big procrastinator and I don't have NEAR the supply of maternity clothes built up that I want to. In fact, some more fabric is coming tomorrow and I have plans for a lot of "professional" outfits for it. A LOT of outfits, lol. (2 dresses, 2 skirts, and 8 tops). They will be fun to crank out since they don't have any zippers. And this is besides all the fabric that I already had, including 7 yards of khaki material for miscellaneous pants and a skirt. So since I'm not pregnant then I will have time to do some more sewing. I just need to not be on the computer so much. :P

And I'll get to work at my job for another few months. This year in Missouri I've had 3 different jobs already (since May). I won't feel like such a job hopper if I make it to a year with this one. And if I'm not pregnant this cycle then I won't have to worry about waiting to tell after my 90 day evaluation in 6 weeks. The next cycle will have me possibly just ovulating at that time or just finding out.

But getting back to staying off the computer. I need to do more things outside of the online world. Especially since most of what I come on to the computer for is pregnancy, childbirth, TTCing, and other related topics. LOL. Last cycle I didn't chart or check my CM at all and it was both my earliest ovulation AND my longest luteal phase. If this cycle would hurry up and put me out of my misery then I will probably do that for next cycle too. I did have 2 days last cycle (conveniently right around the time of my temp rise) where I had enough CM to notice it w/o actively checking for it. I found it very liberating and relaxing to chart only temps. Especially since a lot of the times my CM isn't really classifiable into a nice chartable category.

But anyway enough about that. It's time for me to go grocery shopping and get a book from the library that I've put on reserve. :) Oh before I go, not being pg now will also give me and hubby more time to save a little cushion to start us off on our staying at home, or paying for a midwife, or whatever. And it will also give us a little more time to help build up his credit. He has almost no credit at all so we are going to try to get him a credit card, and just use it very little, keeping a tiny tiny balance on it month to month to build up his history in the positive. I'm excited about that.

seven months off the pill already

On another message board that I'm on, I have a counting ticker that says how many days/months/etc it has been since a certain event. I chose the "event" of the day I took my last birth control pill and started charting. The other day my ticker rolled over to 7 months. I can hardly believe it's been that long. In my chart for this cycle and for all the rest until hubby and I are expecting, I am delaying updating the online version by a week. It's only fair to hubby so that he can be the first to know if I'm pregnant or not, even before all my online friends. :) It feels weird though to talk on the cycle message boards about my cycle... since I talk about things that happened a week ago, and I try VERY hard not to give clues about what is or is not happening currently.

Work is still going fine. We had a busy day today but it was all compressed into the last 2 hours. The bank lobby opened at 9 and I looked at the clock and felt like it should be 11, but it was only 10. I was so sad. But the day picked up and ended up going faster towards the end. We had a customer try to come by 10 minutes after the drive thru was closed, and they even waited at the window (that had blinds pulled down over it) for a minute or so before going on.

I get to be in a wedding in May. :D I am going to be this girl's only bridesmaid so she said that I could wear whatever I want. I love to sew so i am going to make a dress. I got the fabric yesterday. It's not _too_ shiny but it's not dull either. I think it's going to make a fabulous dress. I'm going to make the dress up (not sewing the zipper... just pinning that into the opening) in regular fabric first though to see how it fits and if I need to make any adjustments when I'm cutting it out. Also if I get pg this cycle then I will be a tiny bit along at the wedding, and may or may not be showing, but I am going to make it with a little extra room just in case. It is a dress with an empire waist anyway so it'll be very easy to have some room in the tummy area. I am looking forward to the wedding overall, though. It will be the first wedding that I've been in, besides my own. :)

october vacation scheduled already

So it turns out that I get a pro-rated amount of vacation in 2006. And I have to take a whole week of it at once, and then the other days can be taken piecemeal whenever. We are still on track to paying off our car and all debt in October, so I requested a week towards the end of October so that we could take a road trip to finally close out those bank accounts. (That particular credit union required me to keep an open account while my loan was active). And the road trip is going to be about 12 hours. We will probably try to stop along the way.

Our TTC journey therefore has been put on hold this month since it's probably not a good idea to be travelling while I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Then if we get pregnant next cycle I'll only be around 34 weeks or so hopefully. We only baby danced once, and it turned out to be right on ovulation day, but it was protected. But if you look at my chart, those high temps are the highest temps I've EVER had. And I'm not sick so I can't attribute it to fever. And my sleep schedule wasn't drastically different. And I don't drink alcohol so that wouldn't have made high temps either. The last time I had temps even close to that high it was just a single event around 3 days past ovulation (DPO). Now, with these high temps coming a week after ovulation, it is almost indicative of a tri-phasic chart, which sometimes indicates pregnancy.

The only thing that worried me most about being pregnant RIGHTNOW is the road trip to close those bank accounts. Until this morning when I crunched some numbers, I was pretty sure that October would be the payoff month for that car loan. But I looked at the debt payoff plan thing again and moved some payments around, and I can pay off the car as early as June. The rest of our credit cards wouldn't be paid off until probably January, but our budget indicates that we can make those last couple months' of payments just fine on hubby's income alone.

Having said all that, though, I'm still 99.9% sure that I am NOT pregnant this cycle. OOOOO I just had a very cute thought for how to tell hubby we're expecting if it happens next cycle. But I'm keeping my lips zipped about that for now. :)